My head is pounding….I mean POUN-DING. I have had an on/off migraine for over a week now and it does NOT seem to be letting up. It’s hard to keep one’s morale up when you can’t even see straight…but I’m trying. After all the holidays ARE over which is the BEST news in weeks….that sounds REALLY sad, I mean who is this happy when the holidays are over?
Being here alone (meaning without Chris…I have some wonderful friends here) takes it’s toll every now and then. The holidays and my birthday were especially rough, but I did make the most of it even with a slight meltdown on Christmas. The guests aren’t helping much either….they’re loud, drunk and still stupidly obnoxious as can be for the most part and it takes a LOT of the joy out of performing, I’m not gonna lie. And it also does not help with this silly headache garbage going on AND the fact that my wrists are acting up again…painfully so. That frightens me to say the least. I sometimes wonder if there just wasn’t permanent damage done the first time around that will never be quite fixed which makes my career future shaky at best unless Chris and I get work elsewhere which we are TRYING to do but no luck as of yet…and this recent development makes it a little on the urgent side to figure things out. Ugh… So it leads me to start questioning myself…WHY am I doing this to myself? It all seems very futile sometimes doesn’t it??
My senior year in high school, I had a final I had to take in my acting class. My teacher was a quirky, huge, red haired half Indian who always wore sunglasses to protect his light sensitive eyes. He was a big teddy bear all things considered…..anyways…..our final was an essay. No monologues or speeches or miming or performing of any kind. An essay. And the topic to write on was simple….he wrote on the board “Why are you doing this?” He always made it clear to us as seniors that if we CHOSE a life of entertainment, that the expectation should be a lot of possible heartache and frustration, sparse work, insane competition and almost always a fight to do what you love. Why the HELL would ANYONE choose that for themselves……needless to say, I got an “A” on my final. I forget what I personally said in that essay, but I remember HIS critique he wrote alongside my grade….he told me that my passion, drive and my love of music and art would take me far in life and that I would find success in my future endeavors and that he hoped to live to see me win a Tony award someday……that last part I had a good laugh at. No Tony as of yet and sadly my drama teacher passed away years ago at much too early an age but I think of that essay and the response often and it keeps me going at times.
So I find myself often these days with that question…..WHY am I doing this? I think I answered that question a bit in a previous blog…but more often than not it’s the little things. Times, even when I have NOT been on ships but been performing elsewhere, when you have auditioned for a million things and FINALLY get a gig, or when you have some insanely gratifying moment performing when even if no one applauds you could care less, it just felt amazing to have that moment of personal triumph, or when someone approaches you after performing and tells you that you touched them emotionally or made them think or feel over something they may not have before, or when you inspire someone to better themselves or take up a skill they may never have before watching you, or when your significant other or your parents tell you how proud they are of your accomplishments. When you have a horrible day and you realize I get PAID for this and everything seems brighter or when you’re teaching (especially with kids) the arts and people tell you you made a difference in their lives, and yes, when you hear that applause and you KNOW you deserved it and you have worked so INSANELY hard to deserve it because let’s face it….my lifestyle and chosen profession IS HARD!!! There are days when I want to give up…there are moments when I cry and when I miss Chris so much every part of me hurts because we can’t be in the same place because of this career, or when I hate my talent and think I am terrible at everything I do and wonder HOW on earth I got ANY of my jobs…..and then I go back and remember WHY I do this. It’s simply because I love it. It makes me tick, keeps me going, motivates me to live my life to it’s fullest and when you live day to day like I do, gig to gig, you really understand the concept of gratitude more so I think than other people do. I AM grateful for what I do and I LOVE what I do and I am so lucky I get to share it with someone who loves it and understands it and understands ME as well for all of it. Whew……I wonder if THIS essay would get a passing grade……I’ll never know. But I do know I have to get rid of this migraine or the next 2 hours of playing may not see as much gratitude as I just gushed about!
