The Grateful List

Well, since the doozy of one mass amount of emotional vomit that last blog was….I decided to change it up QUITE a bit today. Just for the record I am hardly ever the doom and gloom person. Another thing my psychic told me was the fact that I do a good job putting a smile on my face so no one knows if I am upset….I concur.

I do a lot of reading of “self help” books. I am actually all about figuring yourself out without the help of outside sources telling you how you should and shouldn’t be….which kind of eliminates the idea of self help books cause and in that case I shouldn’t need them….oh well. Everyone can use some inspiration. Whatever the case, most of them say the same thing….find everything in your life you are grateful for. Remind yourself daily…or make a LIST!!! Mental lists are good….but written are better. Feeling grateful for things boosts you mood insane amounts…..SO without further rambling than I am ABOUT to do….here is a list of some of the things that have been scrolling through my mind lately that make me happy and grateful on a daily basis.

Let’s get it out of the way….even though it’s not FIRST…you know it’s coming…..bunnies. There I said it…..they just make me HAPPY. Like babbling, giggly, stupid sort of happy that inspire artwork and acts of giving on my behalf that maybe wouldn’t normally happen otherwise. They have brought on numerous inside jokes between me and Chris and given those around me something to associate me with and laugh about with me. I have been in love with them since a kid and they don’t seem to be gong anywhere anytime soon.

I am grateful every single day and take at least SOME time each day to remind myself of the fact that I LOVE what I do and have done for a living. Holy crap!! I look at my life and realize that even as a kid I was using visualization to get me where I wanted in life. It’s not been easy and not always perfect, but wow…..I am grateful that I have spent the bulk of my adult life being paid to perform. I have sang, danced, written, choreographed, acted, played music and done it without a student loan. In addition, I am also grateful for everyone who told me I COULDN’T do any of it…..and there have been a LOT of those people in my life. It makes it all the more gratifying with every little triumph…even at the most basic. Between that and how hard I have had to work at all of it, I take nothing for granted that I get to do. THAT my friends, is something worth being happy and thankful for.

I am grateful for the people in my life. My family is for all intents and purposes INSANE. Not gonna lie….BUT they helped shape me good and bad for what I am today. And my CLOSE friends are phenomenal. I honestly have some of the best BEST friends anyone could have. They are such real, unconditional and honest human beings. I am so proud of them and to have them in my life. Even the ones who have flitted in and out have been amazing. I love watching what people in my life do with their lives on a daily basis…the choices they make and the things they do with themselves. It’s all so inspiring. I have met so many colorful and vibrant people in my life I am astounded sometimes at the variations of personalities and influences in people in this world. It’s fascinating and amazing to me……

Believe it or not, I am grateful for my religious upbringing. It gave me a foundation of basics morals I think I needed as a young person (even though now I KNOW it’s fully possible to acquire that WITHOUT religion). Also, when it came time in my life to figure out who I AM without the influence of others and really really think and research and soul search on how I actually felt about things and what I really thought….it was nice to have both sides of the coin. I appreciate the people in my life who ARE religious who still accept and love me. Contrary to popular belief, giving up religion does not change you, I am still ME if not MORE so…..just without something in my life I feel is absolutely unnecessary. I love the opportunity to try to be an example to others that you can be a good person on your OWN and not have anything hanging over your head that makes you feel obligated to love and serve others. And above all else be so free and so happy and fulfilled in life it actually takes my breath away some days……in fact….I am grateful for religion for that fact, that I now know how it feels to live without it and what an AMAZING and freeing feeling that is.

I am always grateful for all arts….this goes along with loving what I do, but goodness…..I stop and just appreciate them ALL the time. I LOVE being surrounded by performers especially the ones who love what they do and do it because of that. I love music and art and dance and writing and designing and just CREATING from your heart and I love love love watching others find that in themselves or even better inspiring others to find that in themselves. When I have anyone asks if they can come paint with me, or if I will teach them to play a song or whatever…..I swell up inside with happiness that someone opened themselves up to ART!!! I love it. It truly is my passion and calling in this world. I hope one of the psychics predictions that I would always do what I love for a living and make money at it is true….I can’t see anything else for myself.

Finally, of course there would not be a list without my Chrisopher Blair involved. Oh my……I keep a picture of the two of us on the front of one of my music books. If I am ever having a “moment” at work….I make sure and have it within eye sight and I am immediately filled with love and gratitude for the best thing to ever happen to me. I am one who can truly appreciate what real, unconditional, selfless love is. Those who know me best know I have had it rough and have made some horrible decisions in love in my life and finally, this is the person that is RIGHT. He showed up in the exact place and time when he needed to. We have never had it easy maintaining what we have, BUT something as amazing as what I have with this man is worth EVERY little set back or professional hiccup or cultural barrier (yes Canada is NOT another state in America….). No one in this world loves me for who I am like him. There is no one I have more fun with, am more comfortable around, who makes me laugh as much or feel as deeply. I want to be a better person every single day for his example as a human being. I am so lucky to have something people desperately want or search their entire lives for and sometimes never find. I want to live as long as possible if nothing else, just to spend more time with him. He, for all intents and purposes, completes me.

As for the little things, a quick list….Ice Breaker Mints, Red Bull, Sushi (all you can eat is the best kind) any and ALL animals, good bbq in moderation, travel, good books, hair dryers, a loaded make up bag, Forever 21, photo shop, 8 minute abs and 8 minute buns (because I am the LAZIEST gym person ever….16 minutes is QUITE enough!!), Tim Burton movies, orange kool aide (oh god I NEED some now!!) and a fully stocked vaporizer (there….go ahead and JUDGE!!!! I just don’t care!! Lol!) I am SO happy I did this!!!! Not even the drunks at my stage can take away any of this from me......which gives me one more thing on the list! ;)

A day in the "life"....blow by blow.

I did not drink Red Bull today. There is your first clue that I am a mild disaster. Red Bull withdrawal in my head can lead to a massive case of nastiness….BUT emotional torment as it were can ALSO lead to self insight….which I am trying to do more of and open up that elusive third eye as well as my right brain and get more out of my life these days. So today’s insight’s were of course, marred by my lack of extreme amounts of caffeine but I had some good ones nonetheless which lead to by the end of my night going hhhmmmm…..I need to document this day. This is a DAY…like a real, raw, I am not stopping my brain from feeling ups and downs and putting my normal positive spin on everything sort of day. I looked everything up one side and down the other and let myself really feel and looked at my surroundings and the people who influence them and the actual insanity that IS my day to day life. I actually stopped today and went THIS is my reality….daaaaammmnnn……….so here’s my day….and it’s kind of the norm in a lot of ways, others not so much…but if this were ever to turn into that “gossip” column I once mentioned it would be a little more honest like this…..and my apologies to the people who will remain nameless BUT will go mentioned in their influence today. It’s just how it is….from MY perspective….nothing personal….blame it on the withdrawal….here we go………..

First things first….I woke up in my tiny (even though for crew cabins, my is exceptionally large…but to world standards I live in a closet) cabin to a random person opening my door and poking their head in…..my brain adjusted for a moment and quickly thought…if I were on land, this would be cause for me to throw something at this intruder or club him with the nearest blunt object. Nope. Not in my world. This little Indonesian who barely spoke English had been, unbeknownst to me, called to fix a fault in our door……I mean, never mind it obviously doesn’t keep out the random Indonesian with a key that unlocks every door….but whatever. Door fixed….shower time. My bathroom is even smaller than you’re a normal walk in closet. But it does the job. I have to be quiet when I exit since the roomie is still in bed to which I think to myself…..”WHY are you still in bed at 11 and forcing me to try and be quiet and feel guilty for drying my hair??? WHY am I even thinking I SHOULD feel guilty to dry my hair???” Of course it’s not her fault….if I could have slept past 11 I would have to. By the time the hair is dry and make up is on and I am feeling WAY too over dressed to be playing a lunch time set all I can think of is “I need a Red Bull”…..and unfortunately as I pointed out….I don’t get one. Well crap.

My first piano set of the day is in the formal dining room. And it annoys the hell out of me. There is nothing more useless than playing for rednecks who are eating. What further annoys me is my right wrist back to giving me grief even AFTER surgery last year. Fabulous. Guess who is playing lunch for the passive rednecks in a wrist brace??? I take a break 45 minutes in and go sit at a back table next to a window overlooking the very back of the ship where it’s pretty well just me, my book (my daily read is always The Power just for that morale boost I try and give myself to keep things in perspective) and a stunning view of the ocean. This is the sort of moment where I stop and take it all in and really revel in whet I do. What’s everyone elses’ view on their break in the world? Probably not ocean that spans for miles on end in the sunshine and probably not on a cruise ship where they are getting to do something they love. 15 minutes of positive reflection and back at it….today was a good day as far as really enjoying the act of playing the piano. Despite the brace I AM grateful to even have use of my hands after my ordeal. I finish and head back to my room for a few before my classical hour.

I check my email and facebook which is what Chris and I use mainly as our source of communication. It’s not good news. His grandfather is in the ICU in Toronto and things are not looking bright for his outcome. Chris is bravely optimistic in the fact that he knows his grandfather has not been happy the past couple years since his wife passed….but both of us leaning towards being atheist, we feel a bit bad that he’s probably hoping for that “reunion” we’re pretty sure he’s not going to get…..but what has me irked at this moment is the fact that I can’t be there. I don’t get to be around for much in my lifestyle. I missed my brother’s wedding, I miss holidays ALL the time, birthdays, family trips, I miss watching Chris do gigs or simple things like going on a Friday night date or in some cases I miss family drama. I was not around for my dad’s sudden life threatening illness recently and was not around for my mother’s outstanding good news which I STILL can’t share as it’s a bit personal, BUT these are the things I give up and today it pissed me right off. But I gracefully wrote the best “wish I could be there” sort of mindless crap you come up with in that moment and then headed back out.

I stopped in the hallway at a friend’s room and told him where I was going…..he said he’d come watch….although I knew watching me play was not necessarily the motivation so much as the finger foods served at the more formal set I was about to play. Oh well. Playing classical music at tea time is one of my simpler joys in life on ships playing the piano. It’s one of the things I feel I do pretty well at. I couldn’t help though, as usual, but get irked with the fact that people don’t “get it” when it comes to that setting and that sort of music. Hence the gentleman who mid set asked “ Do you have any Scott Joplin?” to which I said “No sir, just classical for this hour” and confused, he replied “But that IS a ‘classic”. Sigh…..done set two and I dropped off my books at my normal playing spot, the lobby stage. I love and hate that stage….you are at the center of everything….but you’re at the center of everything. I can’t suck, but I can’t be great either cause it seems no matter what I do no one seems to CARE…..but I will get to that later.

I came back to my hallway. Everyone in entertainment lives “backstage”. Literally. You walk backstage in the theatre, and come out into a small corridor where everyone shares a room with someone else in entertainment. Musicians, dancers, technicians, entertainment hosts all live what sometimes feels like it’s on top of each other but today is one of those days I am feeling mildly alone in my lifestyle frustrations. I am missing Chris terribly today, I am getting over the flu, I am hugely artistically unsatisfied with my career at present and I am in desperate need of some “normal” or at least someone I feel like I can trust to vent to who GETS me. Those are so few and far between and I find myself aching for the people who love and understand me MOST. I got to see one of those yesterday on a ship we dock with in Grand Turk. I sat outside on the pier waiting for one of my bests Katie Schultz to get herself out side and thought, it’s so NICE to almost regularly see and talk to someone who just understands me…just gets me completely and loves me to death and it makes me feel SAFE. In that moment today glancing up and down my hall, I in no way felt emotionally “safe” to talk to anyone. Not that the people here are not good people….they are wonderful….but as Katie said, you do not CHOOSE any of them. They are chosen for you and the only choice you have is whether or not to get along with them and see what happens from there. So far, I could knock on any door in the hallway and get a friendly hello and maybe a hug or a few minutes of laughs, but today I am feeling that need for something a little less 2 dimensional than that. I will have to go without it seems. I hate that when I feel like I have to just “settle” and go about my life. The psychic I visited last week (who blew my mind btw) told me I have been doing and EXCELLENT job of keeping a big smile on my face when so many things in my life seem out of place and I feel like I have much to worry about. This is very true lately….BUT she said I shouldn’t worry….because at least according to her, my life is about to sort itself out in a very satisfactory way. We’ll see. Sullen, brooding break over and off to pre-dinner set number 1.

The lobby is dead. I accidentally break my mic stand and softly curse under my breath in frustration. The new sound set up has been SUCH a luxury lately as pounding the snot out of the ridiculous Yamaha baby grand is not as necessary with the mic. Luckily, with the emptiness of the lobby it really doesn’t matter and I play to 45 minutes of unending apathy from the pre dinner zombies. And out again for another break. I check emails again. Nothing from Chris on an update, nothing from my family, and nothing from my boss in Miami who I am waiting to hear from which frustrates me. He had offered me a short contract on another ship instead of the extension I had wanted on this one….only problem was the ship was musically directed by my arch nemesis and sworn enemy…the same man who made it necessary for me to go under the knife to fix raging carpel tunnel which I still suffer pain from. No deal and I politely declined and asked for more options (as my boss seems to give me amazing options and has always been great at working with me) to which I have not received a reply. I hope I have not offended him and am being given the good old scare tactic of silence just to make me rethink my decision…..awesome. One more thing on today’s list of reasons why I need a Red Bull and honestly, the only reason one was NOT purchased was my funds were low on my ship card and I was too lazy to get to the atm and put more cash on…..which I probably would have done so if a Red Bull had been available before hand….oh the circle.

I head to my last set. I have picked up a new mic stand from my fabulous music director Eddie and I set it up….yay! Amplified sound!!!! The lobby is PACKED this time. I am feeling slightly stoked an pull out all the impressive stuff and love feeling the rumble as the mic picks up the bass keys in some of my hardest pieces. Unfortunately the audience is NOT feeling my enthusiasm for what I am doing and the throng of noisy drunk people gets louder, I continue to compete for some sort of recognition, and then my caffeine deprived brain comes to a screeching halt. One of my bar waitresses at the stage’s adjoining bar looks up at me and says (jokingly) “Maybe if you played it right they would clap!” She is fully kidding of course as she does a lot with me but in MY momentarily dramatic brain I think, maybe she’s right….maybe this is just all crap….maybe I’m sitting here beating myself over the head performing my heart out for people who don’t care, living with people who don’t understand me for the most part, and not being with Chris when he needs me and what the hell is it all for????? One of the luxuries you do NOT get as a performer is when these moments of mental anguish creep up on you, you can’t run away, so I jokingly shot back at the bar tender and continued played…..with tears in my eyes and a huge lump in my throat that felt like it was going no where fast. Both my girls at the bar see it in my face….it’s not been a good one. They look at the clock and say “Don’t worry Alison…you’re almost there. Hang in there!” I smile a take a deep breath and despite the lack of enthusiasm from the audience I finish out my set with my best so I can feel like I did everything in my power to perform at my best and I am done. I lock the piano, grab my stack of miserably heavy books and trudge backstage.

The dancers are taking a break from their first show and one jokingly says “How about you go take my place this one Alison” and I feel my heart drop again. EVERYONE knows I want to be singing and dancing again and everyone knows Chris and I have demos out EVERYWHERE and are just waiting for someone to give us an offer (it’s not been THAT long in the world of waiting….waiting just sucks) and that I am doing my best to keep my spirits up in my situation, so much so that I forgot to hold my tongue when a cast member complained about having to do shows and I may have been a little too forward on the fact she should be grateful for what she is doing when there are people who need and want a job right now……she is sitting on the stairs now, staring at me, mouth closed this time probably in fear of another attack…..for which I feel bad for. There are just some days when I can’t handle being here without Chris and not knowing what the future has in store. Once again it all hits home and I take my books back to my room.

My room mate is heading out to work the second show and I have a few moments to just breathe and contemplate my day. I check my facebook and emails….which I am paying for minute by minute on the ship and it is not cheap. Nothing from anyone again. Maybe I’ll talk to Chris later….but he may be going out for drinks with friends and while I am happy he has his support system I can’t help but hurt a bit that he is kind of mine at this moment in this place and I need some support tonight…..It’s just been one of those days. Tomorrow there WILL be a Red Bull……and everything will look brighter.