It’s been a while since I posted. I planned on posting right after I got done and got back to land….but you know how life goes.
I can say I am nothing but THRILLED to be back with Chris. This time more so than others I have needed some sort of normal land life. I loved the Destiny and the people no doubt, but there were more than a fair share of times I got sucked into the “bubble” of ship life and struggled to not lose myself in it. I think for the most part I did a good job….despite the fact that sometimes that made me feel like an outsider. I got over that feeling pretty quickly though after leaving and being back with one of the main people who makes me feel special, normal, like I “belong” somewhere. It reminds me why I DO try and stay grounded and not continue my entrapment once back on land. The bubble popped pretty quickly……I hope I can maintain that feeling when I head off to the Glory in August….
I could go on about how excited I am to get married….but what people don’t realize is that Chris and I decided to do it a long time ago! We just left everyone in the dark…..we really wanted it to just be about “us”. We hate the idea that marriage has to be about everyone else and be such a ceremonious show and perhaps a big way of “proving” our love to each other…..as if surviving months and months apart without collapse has not proven that! Our original plan was to go to a park, quietly with 2 witnesses and just get it done for US. We decided to let at least immediate family know just so it wouldn’t come as a shock, and while my family took it in stride, Chris’ did not so much. And here begins my real rant. My rant extends to every perspective of my life these days…..it’s infiltrated my family, the way I communicate with friends, my work colleagues, the people I perform for and the world in general for me and now in the most recent of events, MY marriage. (I say that as I have quickly found that it apparently does not solely belong to ME at this moment and time) The thing that has my heart and brain twisted and confused and at most times highly frustrated is religion. I just HEARD you cringe……NO one like this subject ESPECIALLY with me! And that is one of the things I have come to feel I need addressed publicly in my life…so here you go…..me candid much? Nah……
For the Readers Digest (and not to lose the important aspects here) I was born and raised strict Mormon. For those who think I am some spiritually and religiously uneducated heathen, you are highly misinformed. My mother came from a Catholic upbringing and converted at a young age and my father devout LDS. So I got an education on 2 very largely powerful Christian faiths. I am not devoid of religious doctrine by ANY means.
To put a very painfully long story short…I left all of it. I will get to what I do “believe” in just a bit so you get to wait for it before you start your mud slinging!!!! Chris has a lot of the same story as I do only coming from a mainly Catholic background….possibly more strict and devout than my Mormon upbringing. He was even an alter/choir boy going to a private Catholic boys school….creepy…..I know. To put HIS long story short…..he left all of it. To ADD to that story…..his mother to this day does NOT accept that fact……which is where we get to my marriage situation.
Without slinging mud of my own at Chris’ mother…..we have basically been forced into a very tight corner given ultimatums on marrying in a “proper” ceremony or our marriage will be invalid…..in THEIR eyes. That’s only the tip of the iceberg but letting ALL the family drama out in the open to me, is slightly unnecessary. But to avoid making Chris live the rest of his life being shunned by his mother, we agreed to do things MOSTLY her way. It has been a long haul to say the least…..with many tears and fights involved and a constant battle to not feel like our personal beliefs have been beaten into submission and taken away…..IRONICALLY though, in an amazing twist of fate, due to his own mother’s fault, and ANOTHER long story short, the ACTUAL ceremony will be performed not in a church, but outside, and NOT by any minister or priest of any religious affiliation but by a humanist officiant who happens to be a man…who is married to another man….and there will not be a single mention of god nor any sort of prayer in our ceremony. And the circumstance being what it is….Chris’ mother can’t fight it one bit. Like I said….sometimes karma makes me smile. But there is another side to all this that has been eating at me lately that I need to get off my chest.
Being that I was brought up in such a strict religious environment and knowing the reaction I am sure to be getting at this point in most readers eyes, I have kept a lot of this to myself. Not having any religious belief or affiliation can lead to a lot of isolated feelings and fear of public and social ostracism that not a lot of people can fully understand. I have always made the joke that the worst possible person to be would be a gay, racial minority atheist. You would be SCREWED socially and maybe more so for the atheism thing than the others……
Racial and sexual minorities I notice in the press these days are having more and more of a voice (ok, a HUGE voice let’s just be honest) and are being heard….a lot for the most part! I love that. I love that people are slowly coming out of their ignorant bubbles and seeing that the world is much more colorful and vibrant for difference than it is without. But one thing remains to stay slightly the same and that is the fact that as soon as the subject of religion or lack there of is raised, you may as well dig your self a hole and hand someone a gun. Game over. NBC recently took “One nation under god” out of the Pledge of Allegiance and were almost burned at the stake. Well….what about the rest of us? I certainly don’t believe I live in a nation “under god”. So where do MY rights come in here? You can’t have a president who has no religious affiliation or ANY sort of public figure for that matter, artist, sports figure, performer, etc etc etc You CAN however, advertise religion, god, scriptures, church, ANYWHERE you want, don’t mind the separation of church and state there IS none, and for those of us who do NOT believe the same…..we sit in quiet for the most part. I see friends of mine put up links about Pride fundraisers, or some sort of racial history celebration or link bible verse to their status on facebook and get support from everywhere (for the most part…there will ALWAYS be haters to any cause) I still exist in fear of repercussions of such an act REALLY supporting who I am and what I believe. If I say ANYTHING to the contrary of believing in god, I get immediately berated by people who despite possible good intentions, end up berating me for my lack of belief, tell me what I ACTUALLY believe in my HEART (WHAT?) tell me I could not possibly be a good person for my lack of faith, tell me I am misinformed, I am lost, I am not “whole” without the “savior” in my life…..and all this dumbfounds me. And for that….I am silenced. So then here I sit….I see videos go up praising Jesus and reminding me of “His” influence in someone’s life….I see people talk about church activities, hear preachy bible verses, and I have to sit silently for fear of being told I am “wrong” . I would never tell those people what they thought was “wrong” . or make them feel less for it, but I can’t post a video on what I personally believe in MY world to be true. I can’t post a HEY EVERYONE HERE”S A GREAT VIDEO ON WHAT I BELIEVE AND WHAT MAKES MY WORLD TURN AND MAKES ME A HAPPY WELL ROUNDED PERSON or even something to help maybe just understand where I am coming from better because the people who are the lord’s faithful advertisements would get upset. I can’t post something or share something that upsets me when people who share the same ideas are socially ridiculed and torn down by mainstream Christianity because somehow they would be RIGHT for fighting for their religious freedom….what about MY right to freedom FROM religion? I can’t even debate it much because who can debate “I just have faith and that’s the end of it” while being told of course I am wrong.
It hurts. It hurts me just as much as any race, creed, sexual orientation, even religion or ANY group of people hurt when the world, society, and worse their friends and family tell them who they are or what they believe is wrong and that THEY know better what they should or should not do with their lives or what they should or should not believe. It’s unfortunate. It’s unfortunate that due to this mentality I have to sit a lot in silence knowing how much my lifestyle is thoroughly frowned upon and hating the idea that I disappoint friends or family. It’s unfortunate I LET people make me feel bad or wrong for being me and being HAPPY for being the way I am! And it’s unfortunate that I have to give up those pieces of me sometimes to let people in my life stay there just because they can’t open their minds to see I AM happy and that how I live my life is good for ME. I don’t say that how I live my life is best for everyone…….and that is probably my biggest point. I am not going to say STOP believing in Jesus and advertising that fact or stop being proud or sharing things that make YOU happy! BE HAPPY!!! It’s wonderful when you find something in this world that enlightens you and moves you and makes you a GOOD person. That being said, I do not find it ok to use what makes YOU happy to tear down what makes someone ELSE happy.
So that all being said, I am not necessarily an atheist, but I do NOT believe in god. I do NOT believe there is one all powerful being in the sky judging me and rewarding me or anything of that nature. THERE! I said it plain and simple! I believe that I make my own destiny and that I alone am responsible for my OWN happiness and I alone am responsible for making choices everyday that can influence myself and others to do better in this life and find happiness in this life. I don’t think I am “right” on everything. I don’t have answers…no one does. BUT I refuse to feel BAD about myself for being happy with me (it’s taken a LONG time to get to this place folks) and for finally making some choices in my life that better define the sort of person I want to continue improving on. If that makes me “wrong” in someone’s eyes….so be it. “De-friend” me…ignore me….whatever. DON’T try and take my happiness away because you won’t do it…as Chris’ mother has found out…because I DO believe in karma….reaping what you sow, and when I marry Chris in front of a bunch of people (who I could care LESS what they think of my relationship) , and when that humanist makes us “legal” for all intents and purposes…(you can let that validate us however you want), there will be NO mention of “god” in that ceremony and I do believe that is karma working in OUR favor. I KNOW where I stand with myself and with the people who love me most and that is what’s important. And that should be what matters to everyone, it shouldn’t be about being “right” or not. As my tattoo eloquently puts and I remind myself of every day…..”There is nothing good or bad….only thinking makes it so”…….may you all find happiness with whatever YOU choose in life.
