Seeing 'god'.

Oh life. You silly, fickle mistress you and your confusing yet entertaining ways you have with me. I've stopped trying to figure it all out folks.... My good friend Katie always tells me 'Alison. The universe ALWAYS works perfectly. You don't see it all the time but just get out of your own way and let it work for you.' Noted. I think I am finally understanding that statement SO much more now than ever.

When last you left me, I was in my room in Toronto sick on Oreos, sadness and desperately trying to scrape together whatever pieces of happiness and gratitude I could muster in my insanely depressed state. WOW was I depressed. I did not realize how bad I had gotten....but there I was. And it almost stopped me from getting HERE....which is not so depressed. In fact, this is 180 degrees Alison talking right now and she feels very sorry for blindly depressed Alison back in Toronto. But I am glad I put the Oreos down and got on that bus for NYC.

I thought about not going honestly. I felt like I had had too much upheaval. I felt like there was to much unknown...too much emotion to deal with. I just kept telling myself that being with my best friend would make it all feel much better. Just to pack another suitcase, suck it up, be brave like always and embrace this adventure. What did I have to lose? No work in Canada, no husband, lots of things happening in the Blair household that I am not at liberty to speak of, and no way out. Except this. So very early one morning in August, over a month ago now, I got on a 12 hour bus ride to NY. All I knew was this: I had 2 weeks there with Caleb. One weekend in Denver. I would clear my mind and figure things out. I remember now, the drive through upstate NY. People think NY and think of the city. This is far from it. There were trees EVERYWHERE. And the pretty kind...the east coast kind, not the dry pine tree types. The types I would drive past in the Ozarks, the fluffy, brightly colored kind and for whatever reason, something flooded through me. That warm, happy feeling you get when you are doing something 'right' for yourself, or in my case, what Caleb was helping me facilitate. And I felt freedom beyond belief and gratitude in an overwhelming sense. It had been a very long time since I felt that. I had felt it numerous times on the Glory surrounded by my amazing friends I had there. I had felt it at my wedding. Those fleeting moments of love and gratitude that tell you 'Everything is going to be ok. THIS is the right path for you.' And I have honestly had that feeling almost every day since I reached NYC. It's been a ride....

Obviously, my best friend has been kind enough to let me stay. I found a job...first one I applied for honestly. What a thrill! I know it's just 'retail' but something awesome has happened within the bounds of this job. Not only was I hired on with full time benefits, health plan and paid leave, but in a supervisory position in the largest Victoria's Secret in the world which is only going to pad my resume and give me awesome business and leadership skills I know I need. And the people I work with are awesome. I play with make up and perfume all day. And I get lots of free awesome bras. Score. But not only that, it has been a good way to let my mind unwind from everything else. It's easy work and I am actually enjoying it's simplicity. I hated that I was hating playing music there for a while. It's allowed me to not only find my spark for it again, but on MY terms. It has given my brain room to reacquaint itself with it's true passion in the artistic sense. I won't tell you what the project is I am working on right now....I refuse to jinx it with anyone's skeptical eye rolling. Let's just say, Caleb and I have been absolute creative gold for each other, as we were growing up when we used to work together. And we are doing great things. Sure I am not getting 'paid' right now, but my renewed sense of self and drive for what I am truly passionate about is worth far more than what Carnival was paying me. And it feels SO right that I can't help but think this is exactly what was supposed to happen. Exactly where I am meant to be. It just feels like finally my timing in life could potentially be on the right track. I am SO happy.

Then there was Chris....yes he got sent home from Dubai. It's (dare I say) been a huge blessing in disguise. Which makes me getting a job that much more crucial. He hated it. We both had that pit in our stomachs when he went....the this is not going to turn out well pit....but in hind sight it HAD to happen. I may not be here now if it hadn't. And now HE is here. The amount of love and happiness in my life in this moment is so incredible I can think of nothing but thankfulness for what I am experiencing. He wants to try and find work here as he loves it too. I have not seen him this calm and content in a while. He and Caleb get along amazingly. The 3 of us sit and play music together and laugh and cook and go out together and live in this stunning apartment and it's magical right now. Even if he does not find something here in this next week....that's ok. We'll keep trying. He may have to go back to Toronto fora bit to work, but distance has never affected us. Obviously. And I am lucky enough to have a husband who does not see the need to control me or tell me who to be or what to do with my life EXCEPT that he wants me to be happy. That has been amazing. To see him be so unconditionally happy for me feeling so much freedom and happiness is wonderful. He would never force me back into a situation I was not comfortable in. Nor would I for him. When I asked if he wanted me to just come back with him he was almost offended that I would think of him as that sort of person who would MAKE me do something just for convenience sake. Sometimes life is not all about the convenience. We both agree that it's about being happy. We love each other way too much to take away the other's happiness. Which is why I let him go off to Dubai in the first place....my awesome rock star husband needed to be a rock star for a bit. I missed him terribly but look at the happiness that came out of loving each other unconditionally. We are two different people sharing our life experiences together. If it takes us apart for a bit, we can manage. I always have him and him me no matter where we are in the world. And right now, NYC is my little part of the world. And it's not even the city itself that is making me so happy....

Before I came here, Caleb told me 'I think you will see 'God' on this journey Alison'. I giggled at him of course. He knows what my thoughts and ideas about 'god' are and respects me fully and I know what he means when he says things of that nature. But since I have been here I can honestly say I have probably 'seen' what he is eluding to in that statement. I have come out of a very dark cloud. I have been shown love in so many facets. I have the opportunity in this city to see even more of the human condition. I see 'god' in the ways that millions of people live and let live in this place. The amount of diversity and differing cultures is massive. I see 'god' in the beauty I find in the simple things in life right now. The apartment, the trees in the parks, the neighbors cat, the millions of cute little places to shop and eat. I see 'god' in the good fortune I have had since being here. Finding a job and promotional work which I so desperately needed and wanted. I hate not working. I love being self sufficient. I see 'god' in re discovering the things I am passionate about in the art field. To create again and to be excited about it is beyond exciting for me. I feel all warm and fuzzy when Caleb and I work together on our projects. I see 'god' in my childhood friend who has overcome as much if not more than me and accomplished so much regardless. He is such an inspiration. And he is my family. I keep getting the 'family' thing shoved in my face by different sources in my life and every time it happens, I go back to the idea that you can't force family. DNA, genetics and even contracts for me do not always mean 'family'. For me, the people who love me, support me, cheer me on, laugh with me, let me cry when I need it, see my faults and don't care and honestly love me for ME not what they WANT me to be are MY family. They know who they are....I keep them close and I feel safe with them and I love them so incredibly much. In them, I DO see 'god'. And of course, it goes without saying that I see it in Chris as well. For all who know him that will make you laugh a bit, but here is my definition of 'god' as it is in most popular dogma and even new age and pseudo-science types of research...I think 'god' IS love. It is not in temples. It is not in scripture. It is not in superstitions. It is not in fear or indoctrination or traditions or folk tales or anything of that nature. It's pure and simply love. And it's within everyone and everything I truly believe, not in an unseen force that makes you powerless. My husband is a glowing example of it. He is self responsible for his morality and his human compassion and kindness. As is Caleb. As are the people I DO call 'family'. True, selfless love is unconditional. And right now I have possibly two of the best examples I could ever have in my life. They make me want to be a better person. And they love me even when I am not the best person. But the love I feel right now as cheesy as all this sounds makes me know without a doubt I am doing something good right now in my life. So in essence, Caleb was right. I have see 'god' if you want to call it that. But in saying that, I feel like it's what I have known all along anyways and re establishes that. I am so grateful right now. In this moment, life is amazing. And that is all anyone can ask for.

Calm in the Storm and Not Even at Sea....

   I promised I would not write until I calmed the F$&# down a bit and heard from my husband once he arrived in Dubai.... Husband-landed. Check. Me-Calm.....as IF.

  Not to say that I am not working on this right as we speak...or as I speak....to no one in particular except cyber space and those kind enough to humor my rantings. But it's therapy and if I am going to make an attempt at any zen-like approach to life in this moment, then I need to start doing small things. Things like oh....turning on the lights around 4pm when Chris finally landed. Or NOT eating the entire bag of Oreos (I feel so sick for the record....why do I ALWAYS think a pack of Oreos is a good idea when I am sad?? Why????) or Cheetos for that matter.

   I have had a long 6 months thus far being back 'on land'. Nothing has gone as planned except for the end goal of Chris and I being together all the time. And let me tell you kids...with the crap we have gone through, I would place bets that most people would have run by now if nothing but for the fact that this has been HARD. When last I posted, I was en route to NYC to start work on a show. As the entertainment world always proves it's a bit unstable and funding battles put a halt on production until at least next year. SO it's been back to Toronto and a lot of uncertainty for the past little while. I won't go into the crazy that has been multiple under the table gigs from promo to nannying, to not having friends or family around (besides Chris and his circles), to being in a different country not to mention the biggest city in that country etc etc etc....it's been frustrating. A LOT of frustration. But a huge learning experience thus far which is what I am going to try and focus on right now. I HAVE to perk up and get out of this room.....this is my first step. Self motivational talk....

  So what can I say right now.... What can I say about being here for a while now and making the best out of a crazy situation? I can say that I have spent 6 months with Chris which was the goal to begin with. Time with my husband that we so desperately needed and wanted. And despite all the challenges we have faced so far, having him with me EVERY day has been indescribable and wonderful. I love him more every moment I spend with him. 

  And right now you may be asking so WHAT am I THINKING allowing this recent circumstance into my life?? I just came back from life traveling as a performer so I would not have to be away from the man I love anymore! And by recent circumstance...if you have not been privy to our recent news, Chris just landed in Dubai today to start performing with a band at a resort for 4 months. The ONLY reason we agreed to this contract is that after it finishes we have both been promised work together elsewhere in a band. Even nicer is the fact we got to extend the invite to some talented friends to come with us on the adventure and play a contract or two or maybe more with us. The offer was just too good to pass up. We can have up to 11 months out of the year playing in places we have never been to and perform with people we enjoy not to mention together for the first time in years. So, no living expenses, paid travel, and very small amounts of sets. This gives us the opportunity to save and hopefully, finally have a place of our own sooner than later and in the meantime have some new adventures. It's a good sacrifice in the long run.

  My issue is TODAY. But I guess I could be worse....

And by 'worse' means I could be wallowing even deeper in my pity party today than I actually am. However, during the stint of sitting around a lot and hating being an illegal (yeah...you could technically call me that...and for the record it suuuuuuuccckks big time!!!) I decided I had an uncommon opportunity called 'time' and used it to do lots and lots and lots of reading and watching documentaries. To the point where even my very bright and evidence based husband had had enough of my endless questions and prying to have deep chats about my new found knowledge on random things he could probably have cared less about. I blame his influence in my constant need for intellectual stimulation. I could be loitering with a gang or join the Asian mafia in the city or go get audited at the Scientology center....so I would say I am using my time in a slightly wiser way. So back to the learning streak.... Not only was I introducing myself to topics and subjects I have never realized existed (people make me laugh when they seem to think they know 'everything') but I was reintroducing myself to things I had always been interested in but maybe let slide or had let fall by the wayside of a crazy existence. One of which was meditating. I used to practice the concept quite a bit when I was in my 20's and it always helped me feel balance and ease even when things could have felt out of control. During my divorce, I am always impressed that I handled it as well as I did but I was militant at probably about an hour a day alone with nothing but my thoughts and finding that 'still' place inside. For whatever reason I latched back on to the idea that utilizing it in my life was probably a good idea considering my current situation where I felt a bit out of control.

   So when the world really DID spin a bit out of sorts last month, I was very glad to have the resource back. Looking at right now from an outside perspective, things seem a bit scary...from a place of instability and fear of course... I am alone now in my husband's country without him, with no work, with no family close, none of my personal close friends, in his home, with his things, no transportation except the family here and public transit in a huge city blah blah blah. I have crumbled a few times under the weight of it. But I have enough insight and life experience to take a further step back and look at it from another side and be able to stop the nagging feelings of anxiety for long stretches, enough to put me at ease enough to take another step forward past the frustration. I HAVE an amazing husband who I just got to spend a SOLID 6 months with. I have learned so much more about him and respect him even more than I thought I could as a human being. I have gotten time to just sit and appreciate the small things in life, ok, kind of forced. But it has been a good thing...I have always valued the small things in life but not only do I value the small things SO much more now, but I look upon my amazing experiences I have been so lucky to have with a renewed sense of gratitude for them. I have looked past some set backs and found the positives in them and found lessons to learn in all of it. Possibly the most important, and one I am still working on but understanding more fully, is living life each day as it is handed to you. It's one of the reasons I could never say 'no' to an opportunity like this music agency. How could I tell my insanely talented husband he can't go pursue his passion? How could I say 'no' to an opportunity to have adventures and experiences in this huge, beautiful world we live in? How could I say 'no' to living life as fully and completely as we possibly can? I just can't. And in living life fully, I have also learned that loving and being unconditional are paramount as well. I can't enjoy life in any way if I sit around being angry or bitter if life does not go exactly as planned or ok, the way 'I' thought it should be planned. Sometimes something else gets put in your path that needs to be there....you just have not figured it out yet. So I am letting go...or trying. At least trying to keep a certain stillness about myself and just be open and accepting to the things this life has in store for me. I am not perfect. Today I am literally curled up, un-showered, cuddling the half eaten pack of Oreos with no make up on and nasty hair. But I am also finding that life is about those experiences too. I'm going to be ok. Only because I choose to be, but you HAVE to be willing to make that choice in those moments or you will never see the beauty that IS all around you just being asked to be seen. Today I am focusing on the love I feel for my husband. And for kind and supportive words and gestures from friends and family. And for opportunities that enrich my life. I am grateful.

   And I am grateful I kept writing this. It took me about 2 hours to muddle through my brain and get this ramble out. But I am a firm believer and letting emotions out and an even bigger believer in 'grateful lists'. I have things pretty darn good all considered...today I just miss my favorite person in the world....but just happy I have someone like him to miss. I am off to NYC next week. My sweet Caleb is keeping me company for a while before I head out to Denver to celebrate the wedding of one of my favorite people, Amanda and her awesome fiance Tim. Then back to NYC and more Caleb time.... Like I said, I have things pretty good. And now I am going to put the cookies away and take a shower. Goal of getting out of the room, achieved.

                                        T-minus 4 months to get a hug like this in real time!