Not to say that I am not working on this right as we speak...or as I speak....to no one in particular except cyber space and those kind enough to humor my rantings. But it's therapy and if I am going to make an attempt at any zen-like approach to life in this moment, then I need to start doing small things. Things like oh....turning on the lights around 4pm when Chris finally landed. Or NOT eating the entire bag of Oreos (I feel so sick for the record....why do I ALWAYS think a pack of Oreos is a good idea when I am sad?? Why????) or Cheetos for that matter.
I have had a long 6 months thus far being back 'on land'. Nothing has gone as planned except for the end goal of Chris and I being together all the time. And let me tell you kids...with the crap we have gone through, I would place bets that most people would have run by now if nothing but for the fact that this has been HARD. When last I posted, I was en route to NYC to start work on a show. As the entertainment world always proves it's a bit unstable and funding battles put a halt on production until at least next year. SO it's been back to Toronto and a lot of uncertainty for the past little while. I won't go into the crazy that has been multiple under the table gigs from promo to nannying, to not having friends or family around (besides Chris and his circles), to being in a different country not to mention the biggest city in that country etc etc etc....it's been frustrating. A LOT of frustration. But a huge learning experience thus far which is what I am going to try and focus on right now. I HAVE to perk up and get out of this room.....this is my first step. Self motivational talk....
So what can I say right now.... What can I say about being here for a while now and making the best out of a crazy situation? I can say that I have spent 6 months with Chris which was the goal to begin with. Time with my husband that we so desperately needed and wanted. And despite all the challenges we have faced so far, having him with me EVERY day has been indescribable and wonderful. I love him more every moment I spend with him.
And right now you may be asking so WHAT am I THINKING allowing this recent circumstance into my life?? I just came back from life traveling as a performer so I would not have to be away from the man I love anymore! And by recent circumstance...if you have not been privy to our recent news, Chris just landed in Dubai today to start performing with a band at a resort for 4 months. The ONLY reason we agreed to this contract is that after it finishes we have both been promised work together elsewhere in a band. Even nicer is the fact we got to extend the invite to some talented friends to come with us on the adventure and play a contract or two or maybe more with us. The offer was just too good to pass up. We can have up to 11 months out of the year playing in places we have never been to and perform with people we enjoy not to mention together for the first time in years. So, no living expenses, paid travel, and very small amounts of sets. This gives us the opportunity to save and hopefully, finally have a place of our own sooner than later and in the meantime have some new adventures. It's a good sacrifice in the long run.
My issue is TODAY. But I guess I could be worse....
And by 'worse' means I could be wallowing even deeper in my pity party today than I actually am. However, during the stint of sitting around a lot and hating being an illegal (yeah...you could technically call me that...and for the record it suuuuuuuccckks big time!!!) I decided I had an uncommon opportunity called 'time' and used it to do lots and lots and lots of reading and watching documentaries. To the point where even my very bright and evidence based husband had had enough of my endless questions and prying to have deep chats about my new found knowledge on random things he could probably have cared less about. I blame his influence in my constant need for intellectual stimulation. I could be loitering with a gang or join the Asian mafia in the city or go get audited at the Scientology center....so I would say I am using my time in a slightly wiser way. So back to the learning streak.... Not only was I introducing myself to topics and subjects I have never realized existed (people make me laugh when they seem to think they know 'everything') but I was reintroducing myself to things I had always been interested in but maybe let slide or had let fall by the wayside of a crazy existence. One of which was meditating. I used to practice the concept quite a bit when I was in my 20's and it always helped me feel balance and ease even when things could have felt out of control. During my divorce, I am always impressed that I handled it as well as I did but I was militant at probably about an hour a day alone with nothing but my thoughts and finding that 'still' place inside. For whatever reason I latched back on to the idea that utilizing it in my life was probably a good idea considering my current situation where I felt a bit out of control.
So when the world really DID spin a bit out of sorts last month, I was very glad to have the resource back. Looking at right now from an outside perspective, things seem a bit scary...from a place of instability and fear of course... I am alone now in my husband's country without him, with no work, with no family close, none of my personal close friends, in his home, with his things, no transportation except the family here and public transit in a huge city blah blah blah. I have crumbled a few times under the weight of it. But I have enough insight and life experience to take a further step back and look at it from another side and be able to stop the nagging feelings of anxiety for long stretches, enough to put me at ease enough to take another step forward past the frustration. I HAVE an amazing husband who I just got to spend a SOLID 6 months with. I have learned so much more about him and respect him even more than I thought I could as a human being. I have gotten time to just sit and appreciate the small things in life, ok, kind of forced. But it has been a good thing...I have always valued the small things in life but not only do I value the small things SO much more now, but I look upon my amazing experiences I have been so lucky to have with a renewed sense of gratitude for them. I have looked past some set backs and found the positives in them and found lessons to learn in all of it. Possibly the most important, and one I am still working on but understanding more fully, is living life each day as it is handed to you. It's one of the reasons I could never say 'no' to an opportunity like this music agency. How could I tell my insanely talented husband he can't go pursue his passion? How could I say 'no' to an opportunity to have adventures and experiences in this huge, beautiful world we live in? How could I say 'no' to living life as fully and completely as we possibly can? I just can't. And in living life fully, I have also learned that loving and being unconditional are paramount as well. I can't enjoy life in any way if I sit around being angry or bitter if life does not go exactly as planned or ok, the way 'I' thought it should be planned. Sometimes something else gets put in your path that needs to be there....you just have not figured it out yet. So I am letting go...or trying. At least trying to keep a certain stillness about myself and just be open and accepting to the things this life has in store for me. I am not perfect. Today I am literally curled up, un-showered, cuddling the half eaten pack of Oreos with no make up on and nasty hair. But I am also finding that life is about those experiences too. I'm going to be ok. Only because I choose to be, but you HAVE to be willing to make that choice in those moments or you will never see the beauty that IS all around you just being asked to be seen. Today I am focusing on the love I feel for my husband. And for kind and supportive words and gestures from friends and family. And for opportunities that enrich my life. I am grateful.
And I am grateful I kept writing this. It took me about 2 hours to muddle through my brain and get this ramble out. But I am a firm believer and letting emotions out and an even bigger believer in 'grateful lists'. I have things pretty darn good all considered...today I just miss my favorite person in the world....but just happy I have someone like him to miss. I am off to NYC next week. My sweet Caleb is keeping me company for a while before I head out to Denver to celebrate the wedding of one of my favorite people, Amanda and her awesome fiance Tim. Then back to NYC and more Caleb time.... Like I said, I have things pretty good. And now I am going to put the cookies away and take a shower. Goal of getting out of the room, achieved.
