Oh life. You silly, fickle mistress you and your confusing yet entertaining ways you have with me. I've stopped trying to figure it all out folks.... My good friend Katie always tells me 'Alison. The universe ALWAYS works perfectly. You don't see it all the time but just get out of your own way and let it work for you.' Noted. I think I am finally understanding that statement SO much more now than ever.
When last you left me, I was in my room in Toronto sick on Oreos, sadness and desperately trying to scrape together whatever pieces of happiness and gratitude I could muster in my insanely depressed state. WOW was I depressed. I did not realize how bad I had gotten....but there I was. And it almost stopped me from getting HERE....which is not so depressed. In fact, this is 180 degrees Alison talking right now and she feels very sorry for blindly depressed Alison back in Toronto. But I am glad I put the Oreos down and got on that bus for NYC.
I thought about not going honestly. I felt like I had had too much upheaval. I felt like there was to much unknown...too much emotion to deal with. I just kept telling myself that being with my best friend would make it all feel much better. Just to pack another suitcase, suck it up, be brave like always and embrace this adventure. What did I have to lose? No work in Canada, no husband, lots of things happening in the Blair household that I am not at liberty to speak of, and no way out. Except this. So very early one morning in August, over a month ago now, I got on a 12 hour bus ride to NY. All I knew was this: I had 2 weeks there with Caleb. One weekend in Denver. I would clear my mind and figure things out. I remember now, the drive through upstate NY. People think NY and think of the city. This is far from it. There were trees EVERYWHERE. And the pretty kind...the east coast kind, not the dry pine tree types. The types I would drive past in the Ozarks, the fluffy, brightly colored kind and for whatever reason, something flooded through me. That warm, happy feeling you get when you are doing something 'right' for yourself, or in my case, what Caleb was helping me facilitate. And I felt freedom beyond belief and gratitude in an overwhelming sense. It had been a very long time since I felt that. I had felt it numerous times on the Glory surrounded by my amazing friends I had there. I had felt it at my wedding. Those fleeting moments of love and gratitude that tell you 'Everything is going to be ok. THIS is the right path for you.' And I have honestly had that feeling almost every day since I reached NYC. It's been a ride....
Obviously, my best friend has been kind enough to let me stay. I found a job...first one I applied for honestly. What a thrill! I know it's just 'retail' but something awesome has happened within the bounds of this job. Not only was I hired on with full time benefits, health plan and paid leave, but in a supervisory position in the largest Victoria's Secret in the world which is only going to pad my resume and give me awesome business and leadership skills I know I need. And the people I work with are awesome. I play with make up and perfume all day. And I get lots of free awesome bras. Score. But not only that, it has been a good way to let my mind unwind from everything else. It's easy work and I am actually enjoying it's simplicity. I hated that I was hating playing music there for a while. It's allowed me to not only find my spark for it again, but on MY terms. It has given my brain room to reacquaint itself with it's true passion in the artistic sense. I won't tell you what the project is I am working on right now....I refuse to jinx it with anyone's skeptical eye rolling. Let's just say, Caleb and I have been absolute creative gold for each other, as we were growing up when we used to work together. And we are doing great things. Sure I am not getting 'paid' right now, but my renewed sense of self and drive for what I am truly passionate about is worth far more than what Carnival was paying me. And it feels SO right that I can't help but think this is exactly what was supposed to happen. Exactly where I am meant to be. It just feels like finally my timing in life could potentially be on the right track. I am SO happy.
Then there was Chris....yes he got sent home from Dubai. It's (dare I say) been a huge blessing in disguise. Which makes me getting a job that much more crucial. He hated it. We both had that pit in our stomachs when he went....the this is not going to turn out well pit....but in hind sight it HAD to happen. I may not be here now if it hadn't. And now HE is here. The amount of love and happiness in my life in this moment is so incredible I can think of nothing but thankfulness for what I am experiencing. He wants to try and find work here as he loves it too. I have not seen him this calm and content in a while. He and Caleb get along amazingly. The 3 of us sit and play music together and laugh and cook and go out together and live in this stunning apartment and it's magical right now. Even if he does not find something here in this next week....that's ok. We'll keep trying. He may have to go back to Toronto fora bit to work, but distance has never affected us. Obviously. And I am lucky enough to have a husband who does not see the need to control me or tell me who to be or what to do with my life EXCEPT that he wants me to be happy. That has been amazing. To see him be so unconditionally happy for me feeling so much freedom and happiness is wonderful. He would never force me back into a situation I was not comfortable in. Nor would I for him. When I asked if he wanted me to just come back with him he was almost offended that I would think of him as that sort of person who would MAKE me do something just for convenience sake. Sometimes life is not all about the convenience. We both agree that it's about being happy. We love each other way too much to take away the other's happiness. Which is why I let him go off to Dubai in the first place....my awesome rock star husband needed to be a rock star for a bit. I missed him terribly but look at the happiness that came out of loving each other unconditionally. We are two different people sharing our life experiences together. If it takes us apart for a bit, we can manage. I always have him and him me no matter where we are in the world. And right now, NYC is my little part of the world. And it's not even the city itself that is making me so happy....
Before I came here, Caleb told me 'I think you will see 'God' on this journey Alison'. I giggled at him of course. He knows what my thoughts and ideas about 'god' are and respects me fully and I know what he means when he says things of that nature. But since I have been here I can honestly say I have probably 'seen' what he is eluding to in that statement. I have come out of a very dark cloud. I have been shown love in so many facets. I have the opportunity in this city to see even more of the human condition. I see 'god' in the ways that millions of people live and let live in this place. The amount of diversity and differing cultures is massive. I see 'god' in the beauty I find in the simple things in life right now. The apartment, the trees in the parks, the neighbors cat, the millions of cute little places to shop and eat. I see 'god' in the good fortune I have had since being here. Finding a job and promotional work which I so desperately needed and wanted. I hate not working. I love being self sufficient. I see 'god' in re discovering the things I am passionate about in the art field. To create again and to be excited about it is beyond exciting for me. I feel all warm and fuzzy when Caleb and I work together on our projects. I see 'god' in my childhood friend who has overcome as much if not more than me and accomplished so much regardless. He is such an inspiration. And he is my family. I keep getting the 'family' thing shoved in my face by different sources in my life and every time it happens, I go back to the idea that you can't force family. DNA, genetics and even contracts for me do not always mean 'family'. For me, the people who love me, support me, cheer me on, laugh with me, let me cry when I need it, see my faults and don't care and honestly love me for ME not what they WANT me to be are MY family. They know who they are....I keep them close and I feel safe with them and I love them so incredibly much. In them, I DO see 'god'. And of course, it goes without saying that I see it in Chris as well. For all who know him that will make you laugh a bit, but here is my definition of 'god' as it is in most popular dogma and even new age and pseudo-science types of research...I think 'god' IS love. It is not in temples. It is not in scripture. It is not in superstitions. It is not in fear or indoctrination or traditions or folk tales or anything of that nature. It's pure and simply love. And it's within everyone and everything I truly believe, not in an unseen force that makes you powerless. My husband is a glowing example of it. He is self responsible for his morality and his human compassion and kindness. As is Caleb. As are the people I DO call 'family'. True, selfless love is unconditional. And right now I have possibly two of the best examples I could ever have in my life. They make me want to be a better person. And they love me even when I am not the best person. But the love I feel right now as cheesy as all this sounds makes me know without a doubt I am doing something good right now in my life. So in essence, Caleb was right. I have see 'god' if you want to call it that. But in saying that, I feel like it's what I have known all along anyways and re establishes that. I am so grateful right now. In this moment, life is amazing. And that is all anyone can ask for.
