Seeing 'god'.

Oh life. You silly, fickle mistress you and your confusing yet entertaining ways you have with me. I've stopped trying to figure it all out folks.... My good friend Katie always tells me 'Alison. The universe ALWAYS works perfectly. You don't see it all the time but just get out of your own way and let it work for you.' Noted. I think I am finally understanding that statement SO much more now than ever.

When last you left me, I was in my room in Toronto sick on Oreos, sadness and desperately trying to scrape together whatever pieces of happiness and gratitude I could muster in my insanely depressed state. WOW was I depressed. I did not realize how bad I had gotten....but there I was. And it almost stopped me from getting HERE....which is not so depressed. In fact, this is 180 degrees Alison talking right now and she feels very sorry for blindly depressed Alison back in Toronto. But I am glad I put the Oreos down and got on that bus for NYC.

I thought about not going honestly. I felt like I had had too much upheaval. I felt like there was to much unknown...too much emotion to deal with. I just kept telling myself that being with my best friend would make it all feel much better. Just to pack another suitcase, suck it up, be brave like always and embrace this adventure. What did I have to lose? No work in Canada, no husband, lots of things happening in the Blair household that I am not at liberty to speak of, and no way out. Except this. So very early one morning in August, over a month ago now, I got on a 12 hour bus ride to NY. All I knew was this: I had 2 weeks there with Caleb. One weekend in Denver. I would clear my mind and figure things out. I remember now, the drive through upstate NY. People think NY and think of the city. This is far from it. There were trees EVERYWHERE. And the pretty kind...the east coast kind, not the dry pine tree types. The types I would drive past in the Ozarks, the fluffy, brightly colored kind and for whatever reason, something flooded through me. That warm, happy feeling you get when you are doing something 'right' for yourself, or in my case, what Caleb was helping me facilitate. And I felt freedom beyond belief and gratitude in an overwhelming sense. It had been a very long time since I felt that. I had felt it numerous times on the Glory surrounded by my amazing friends I had there. I had felt it at my wedding. Those fleeting moments of love and gratitude that tell you 'Everything is going to be ok. THIS is the right path for you.' And I have honestly had that feeling almost every day since I reached NYC. It's been a ride....

Obviously, my best friend has been kind enough to let me stay. I found a job...first one I applied for honestly. What a thrill! I know it's just 'retail' but something awesome has happened within the bounds of this job. Not only was I hired on with full time benefits, health plan and paid leave, but in a supervisory position in the largest Victoria's Secret in the world which is only going to pad my resume and give me awesome business and leadership skills I know I need. And the people I work with are awesome. I play with make up and perfume all day. And I get lots of free awesome bras. Score. But not only that, it has been a good way to let my mind unwind from everything else. It's easy work and I am actually enjoying it's simplicity. I hated that I was hating playing music there for a while. It's allowed me to not only find my spark for it again, but on MY terms. It has given my brain room to reacquaint itself with it's true passion in the artistic sense. I won't tell you what the project is I am working on right now....I refuse to jinx it with anyone's skeptical eye rolling. Let's just say, Caleb and I have been absolute creative gold for each other, as we were growing up when we used to work together. And we are doing great things. Sure I am not getting 'paid' right now, but my renewed sense of self and drive for what I am truly passionate about is worth far more than what Carnival was paying me. And it feels SO right that I can't help but think this is exactly what was supposed to happen. Exactly where I am meant to be. It just feels like finally my timing in life could potentially be on the right track. I am SO happy.

Then there was Chris....yes he got sent home from Dubai. It's (dare I say) been a huge blessing in disguise. Which makes me getting a job that much more crucial. He hated it. We both had that pit in our stomachs when he went....the this is not going to turn out well pit....but in hind sight it HAD to happen. I may not be here now if it hadn't. And now HE is here. The amount of love and happiness in my life in this moment is so incredible I can think of nothing but thankfulness for what I am experiencing. He wants to try and find work here as he loves it too. I have not seen him this calm and content in a while. He and Caleb get along amazingly. The 3 of us sit and play music together and laugh and cook and go out together and live in this stunning apartment and it's magical right now. Even if he does not find something here in this next week....that's ok. We'll keep trying. He may have to go back to Toronto fora bit to work, but distance has never affected us. Obviously. And I am lucky enough to have a husband who does not see the need to control me or tell me who to be or what to do with my life EXCEPT that he wants me to be happy. That has been amazing. To see him be so unconditionally happy for me feeling so much freedom and happiness is wonderful. He would never force me back into a situation I was not comfortable in. Nor would I for him. When I asked if he wanted me to just come back with him he was almost offended that I would think of him as that sort of person who would MAKE me do something just for convenience sake. Sometimes life is not all about the convenience. We both agree that it's about being happy. We love each other way too much to take away the other's happiness. Which is why I let him go off to Dubai in the first place....my awesome rock star husband needed to be a rock star for a bit. I missed him terribly but look at the happiness that came out of loving each other unconditionally. We are two different people sharing our life experiences together. If it takes us apart for a bit, we can manage. I always have him and him me no matter where we are in the world. And right now, NYC is my little part of the world. And it's not even the city itself that is making me so happy....

Before I came here, Caleb told me 'I think you will see 'God' on this journey Alison'. I giggled at him of course. He knows what my thoughts and ideas about 'god' are and respects me fully and I know what he means when he says things of that nature. But since I have been here I can honestly say I have probably 'seen' what he is eluding to in that statement. I have come out of a very dark cloud. I have been shown love in so many facets. I have the opportunity in this city to see even more of the human condition. I see 'god' in the ways that millions of people live and let live in this place. The amount of diversity and differing cultures is massive. I see 'god' in the beauty I find in the simple things in life right now. The apartment, the trees in the parks, the neighbors cat, the millions of cute little places to shop and eat. I see 'god' in the good fortune I have had since being here. Finding a job and promotional work which I so desperately needed and wanted. I hate not working. I love being self sufficient. I see 'god' in re discovering the things I am passionate about in the art field. To create again and to be excited about it is beyond exciting for me. I feel all warm and fuzzy when Caleb and I work together on our projects. I see 'god' in my childhood friend who has overcome as much if not more than me and accomplished so much regardless. He is such an inspiration. And he is my family. I keep getting the 'family' thing shoved in my face by different sources in my life and every time it happens, I go back to the idea that you can't force family. DNA, genetics and even contracts for me do not always mean 'family'. For me, the people who love me, support me, cheer me on, laugh with me, let me cry when I need it, see my faults and don't care and honestly love me for ME not what they WANT me to be are MY family. They know who they are....I keep them close and I feel safe with them and I love them so incredibly much. In them, I DO see 'god'. And of course, it goes without saying that I see it in Chris as well. For all who know him that will make you laugh a bit, but here is my definition of 'god' as it is in most popular dogma and even new age and pseudo-science types of research...I think 'god' IS love. It is not in temples. It is not in scripture. It is not in superstitions. It is not in fear or indoctrination or traditions or folk tales or anything of that nature. It's pure and simply love. And it's within everyone and everything I truly believe, not in an unseen force that makes you powerless. My husband is a glowing example of it. He is self responsible for his morality and his human compassion and kindness. As is Caleb. As are the people I DO call 'family'. True, selfless love is unconditional. And right now I have possibly two of the best examples I could ever have in my life. They make me want to be a better person. And they love me even when I am not the best person. But the love I feel right now as cheesy as all this sounds makes me know without a doubt I am doing something good right now in my life. So in essence, Caleb was right. I have see 'god' if you want to call it that. But in saying that, I feel like it's what I have known all along anyways and re establishes that. I am so grateful right now. In this moment, life is amazing. And that is all anyone can ask for.

Calm in the Storm and Not Even at Sea....

   I promised I would not write until I calmed the F$&# down a bit and heard from my husband once he arrived in Dubai.... Husband-landed. Check. Me-Calm.....as IF.

  Not to say that I am not working on this right as we speak...or as I speak....to no one in particular except cyber space and those kind enough to humor my rantings. But it's therapy and if I am going to make an attempt at any zen-like approach to life in this moment, then I need to start doing small things. Things like oh....turning on the lights around 4pm when Chris finally landed. Or NOT eating the entire bag of Oreos (I feel so sick for the record....why do I ALWAYS think a pack of Oreos is a good idea when I am sad?? Why????) or Cheetos for that matter.

   I have had a long 6 months thus far being back 'on land'. Nothing has gone as planned except for the end goal of Chris and I being together all the time. And let me tell you kids...with the crap we have gone through, I would place bets that most people would have run by now if nothing but for the fact that this has been HARD. When last I posted, I was en route to NYC to start work on a show. As the entertainment world always proves it's a bit unstable and funding battles put a halt on production until at least next year. SO it's been back to Toronto and a lot of uncertainty for the past little while. I won't go into the crazy that has been multiple under the table gigs from promo to nannying, to not having friends or family around (besides Chris and his circles), to being in a different country not to mention the biggest city in that country etc etc etc....it's been frustrating. A LOT of frustration. But a huge learning experience thus far which is what I am going to try and focus on right now. I HAVE to perk up and get out of this room.....this is my first step. Self motivational talk....

  So what can I say right now.... What can I say about being here for a while now and making the best out of a crazy situation? I can say that I have spent 6 months with Chris which was the goal to begin with. Time with my husband that we so desperately needed and wanted. And despite all the challenges we have faced so far, having him with me EVERY day has been indescribable and wonderful. I love him more every moment I spend with him. 

  And right now you may be asking so WHAT am I THINKING allowing this recent circumstance into my life?? I just came back from life traveling as a performer so I would not have to be away from the man I love anymore! And by recent circumstance...if you have not been privy to our recent news, Chris just landed in Dubai today to start performing with a band at a resort for 4 months. The ONLY reason we agreed to this contract is that after it finishes we have both been promised work together elsewhere in a band. Even nicer is the fact we got to extend the invite to some talented friends to come with us on the adventure and play a contract or two or maybe more with us. The offer was just too good to pass up. We can have up to 11 months out of the year playing in places we have never been to and perform with people we enjoy not to mention together for the first time in years. So, no living expenses, paid travel, and very small amounts of sets. This gives us the opportunity to save and hopefully, finally have a place of our own sooner than later and in the meantime have some new adventures. It's a good sacrifice in the long run.

  My issue is TODAY. But I guess I could be worse....

And by 'worse' means I could be wallowing even deeper in my pity party today than I actually am. However, during the stint of sitting around a lot and hating being an illegal (yeah...you could technically call me that...and for the record it suuuuuuuccckks big time!!!) I decided I had an uncommon opportunity called 'time' and used it to do lots and lots and lots of reading and watching documentaries. To the point where even my very bright and evidence based husband had had enough of my endless questions and prying to have deep chats about my new found knowledge on random things he could probably have cared less about. I blame his influence in my constant need for intellectual stimulation. I could be loitering with a gang or join the Asian mafia in the city or go get audited at the Scientology center....so I would say I am using my time in a slightly wiser way. So back to the learning streak.... Not only was I introducing myself to topics and subjects I have never realized existed (people make me laugh when they seem to think they know 'everything') but I was reintroducing myself to things I had always been interested in but maybe let slide or had let fall by the wayside of a crazy existence. One of which was meditating. I used to practice the concept quite a bit when I was in my 20's and it always helped me feel balance and ease even when things could have felt out of control. During my divorce, I am always impressed that I handled it as well as I did but I was militant at probably about an hour a day alone with nothing but my thoughts and finding that 'still' place inside. For whatever reason I latched back on to the idea that utilizing it in my life was probably a good idea considering my current situation where I felt a bit out of control.

   So when the world really DID spin a bit out of sorts last month, I was very glad to have the resource back. Looking at right now from an outside perspective, things seem a bit scary...from a place of instability and fear of course... I am alone now in my husband's country without him, with no work, with no family close, none of my personal close friends, in his home, with his things, no transportation except the family here and public transit in a huge city blah blah blah. I have crumbled a few times under the weight of it. But I have enough insight and life experience to take a further step back and look at it from another side and be able to stop the nagging feelings of anxiety for long stretches, enough to put me at ease enough to take another step forward past the frustration. I HAVE an amazing husband who I just got to spend a SOLID 6 months with. I have learned so much more about him and respect him even more than I thought I could as a human being. I have gotten time to just sit and appreciate the small things in life, ok, kind of forced. But it has been a good thing...I have always valued the small things in life but not only do I value the small things SO much more now, but I look upon my amazing experiences I have been so lucky to have with a renewed sense of gratitude for them. I have looked past some set backs and found the positives in them and found lessons to learn in all of it. Possibly the most important, and one I am still working on but understanding more fully, is living life each day as it is handed to you. It's one of the reasons I could never say 'no' to an opportunity like this music agency. How could I tell my insanely talented husband he can't go pursue his passion? How could I say 'no' to an opportunity to have adventures and experiences in this huge, beautiful world we live in? How could I say 'no' to living life as fully and completely as we possibly can? I just can't. And in living life fully, I have also learned that loving and being unconditional are paramount as well. I can't enjoy life in any way if I sit around being angry or bitter if life does not go exactly as planned or ok, the way 'I' thought it should be planned. Sometimes something else gets put in your path that needs to be there....you just have not figured it out yet. So I am letting go...or trying. At least trying to keep a certain stillness about myself and just be open and accepting to the things this life has in store for me. I am not perfect. Today I am literally curled up, un-showered, cuddling the half eaten pack of Oreos with no make up on and nasty hair. But I am also finding that life is about those experiences too. I'm going to be ok. Only because I choose to be, but you HAVE to be willing to make that choice in those moments or you will never see the beauty that IS all around you just being asked to be seen. Today I am focusing on the love I feel for my husband. And for kind and supportive words and gestures from friends and family. And for opportunities that enrich my life. I am grateful.

   And I am grateful I kept writing this. It took me about 2 hours to muddle through my brain and get this ramble out. But I am a firm believer and letting emotions out and an even bigger believer in 'grateful lists'. I have things pretty darn good all considered...today I just miss my favorite person in the world....but just happy I have someone like him to miss. I am off to NYC next week. My sweet Caleb is keeping me company for a while before I head out to Denver to celebrate the wedding of one of my favorite people, Amanda and her awesome fiance Tim. Then back to NYC and more Caleb time.... Like I said, I have things pretty good. And now I am going to put the cookies away and take a shower. Goal of getting out of the room, achieved.

                                        T-minus 4 months to get a hug like this in real time!

Over...and Overwhelmed...(in every GOOD way possible!)

I realize I have not written on this thing since leaving for the Glory. My excuse is a pretty good one….I have been far too busy being pretty freakin happy to be bothered in all honesty…good enough? I thought so…..anyways….

When I was a little girl I longed to live where there were palm trees. I drew palm trees and talked about spending time in Florida and visiting far off islands. When I was little, I would write plays and stories and draw pictures and sing and play piano and dream of creating things that would make people happy. And I always insisted I would never marry until I was almost 30.

So far I have done everything I wanted to as a little girl except a slight deviation due to what I THOUGHT was the ‘right thing’….but the right thing was dictated by what everyone else and society told me was the right thing and that ‘right thing’ turned out pretty wrong all considered. But you learn from those mistakes, and the biggest lesson here? Follow your OWN heart and what it tells you is right, NEVER what anyone else, society or the world even, tell you to. Palm trees always felt right. Singing and dancing and music and art always felt right. And finding myself before finding ‘the one’ always felt right too.

So here we are at the end of 2011. On the Chinese calendar, this was the ‘year of the rabbit’. If that doesn’t scream ‘Alison’s year’ I am not quite sure what does. Not to mention all the predestined good luck monikers of myriads of 11’s to be found in all sorts of numerology tables. Add to that the infamous psychic reading in Key West telling me to quit worrying and that I would find myself being offered the job I was seeking by years end or beginning of next and that the love of my life would marry me and you have a recipe for what was shaping to be MY YEAR. It HAS been.

Oh, of course there have been the speed bumps. Missing my Chris, family and friend drama up to the neck as always, nagging wrist pain making piano quite a chore not to mention the constant onslaught of stupidity from tourists which we all know I LOVE, the ins and outs of living on a cruise ship.….the usual. But I try and not focus on that….but for the audience members feeling possibly a bit annoyed at my seemingly endless good fortune and needing to know I get a good smack in the face now and then, I thought I would throw that in. Life is never quite perfect all the time, but if you can get close, my year in it’s entirety has been about as close as you can come. So let’s recap shall we?

Palm trees……since leaving Branson (where I sang and danced….childhood goal there achieved) and the house and marriage I was told I SHOULD have, I have had palm trees. I have had so many palm trees on so many beaches in so many places it’s almost stupid. I have loved them. I will say it’s not QUITE the same come Christmas, but when I think how much I longed for tropical places as a child and how many tropical places I have been to, it does make me a bit giddy inside. This year has rounded out seeing places I have never been and palm trees and beaches I have never experienced. Walking outside in places like St Thomas, being back in Mexico, Bermuda, San Juan and the Bahamas and call it ‘work’ almost seems criminal and amazing all at once. I am grateful to no end for it…..but it’s time to leave my beaches behind for a while……

My whole life I have wanted nothing but to create. Being in the spotlight from time to time has been nice, no doubt, but I have said before and will say again, if someone wanted to pay me to just sit and write or paint, or sing or play music or choreograph and never be recognized for it, but make my living at it I would do it in a heartbeat and be content. I am getting that wish it seems once again in my life. In Branson, when I was not performing, I was writing shows and choreographing for a resort in town on a small scale and it was blissful. Now, years later, after a prediction by a psychic and a wholehearted prediction by a dear friend who just seems to ‘know’ these things, the most unthinkably wonderful good thing has happened for not only me but so many people I love who are going to be touched in some way for the better by this recent event. Years and years ago, my mother and friend wrote a musical about the Statue of Liberty and it’s creators and Ellis Island and the immigrants that traveled there. My mother also had dreams that she chased. And as luck and good timing would have it, she found herself in the right place at the right time with the right people and a product they wanted at the exact moment SHE also needed a miracle. She got it as did I. Everyone knows I have needed a break from ships and a chance to go back to what I love as well as hopefully give my talented husband a performing job as well. What better way to do that then to join the creative team of an original musical written by people I love that will open on New York’s Ellis Island? Dreams come true, and also, having been a child that subscribed to every cheese ball Disney ballad of dreaming and following your heart and seeing it through, I can honestly say it HAPPENS. It does take drive, determination, love and lots of luck but it does happen. I am breathless sometimes when I tell this particular story these days…..it seems every childhood dream of mine is coming true. Thank you Cinderella for the inspiration…..

Speaking of Disney, I never played ‘wedding’ or thought of being a bride as a kid, BUT I DID want Prince Charming. I definitely wanted the handsome, romantic man to sweep me off my feet and carry me off to happily ever after. Well, after an EPIC fail and a few more strike outs later, my white knight showed up completely unexpectedly and out of the blue…..when you ask? When I decided it was high time to love MYSELF and learn to be ME. And then the perfect person showed up to love the REAL me too. I get butterflies every time I talk about him. This year, I married the love of my life and it may have been the BEST day of my life. Once again, to be clear, not because of the document we signed, but because we got to share with everyone we know the fact that we CHOOSE to be together and that we think one another are perfect the way the other is and want nothing but to spend our lives together and do everything in our power to spend out lives HAPPY. I never feel ‘less’ than him or inferior, but on the same level of understanding of unconditional love and acceptance for another human being. I never have to worry that being myself will drive him away or upset him. I am never scared to say what I feel or think around him and vice verse. I believe him to be possibly the most handsome, smart, talented, compassionate human being on the face of the earth as I should, since he is MY Prince Charming. It doesn’t matter if anyone else does….he makes me not only complete, but BETTER just for being with him. Vomit? Possibly…..you have my permission.

So after committing myself to happy ever after, we all know I got to leave him once again for palm trees, beaches, and music. While I am a little worn out, but never ungrateful, for any of the said items, what has been AMAZING about this contract is how much more of myself I have found and how much love and happiness I have experienced on a ship I was drug to kicking and screaming. I KNEW I had friends here, but I have been (dare I say) blessed beyond all measure to not only have had my sweet, kind and wise beyond her years (not to mention the one who made the prophetic life prediction for me) friend, Katie here with me to hold my hand, I have made several other friends I will keep for life. My dear Lawrence has not only been a solid emotional rock that has taken a beating from exposing himself to his trio of emotionally flighty female friends (and we are forever grateful) but has also become a partner in artistic endeavors which will continue far past this contract as well as our friendship. My fiery English red head, Rosie, my adorable little room mate Pheona, Lauren, Jasmine, Justin, Liz, Josh (dancer and CD) and countless others made me feel for the first time in a while on a ship like I had a good solid FAMILY when I needed one more than I can describe. As I see it….it has been a perfect way to end out my time with Carnival.

Which leaves me here at the end of the year. I am ending one adventure which has brought me friends and experiences people can only imagine. During my time with Carnival, I have become a far better performer, musician, person and all around version of me than I ever could have had I stayed in Branson although it too brought me the people and experiences I needed at that time. I am moving on to a new chapter that will potentially be just as much, if not more, rewarding than the past few years have been. I will get to do what I love on land, in an amazing place every performer dreams of being at some point in their lives. Best of all, I will be closer to always being with the people I love and sharing those experiences with them and not from far away all the time. And I’m doing it all on the cusp of my 30^th birthday…..as much as I dread the big 3-0 I can honestly say I feel like a wiser, more well rounded, centered and even better looking and healthier person than I have ever been. And I am learning to not make as many apologies for the person I am and still becoming. I suppose in moving forward this blog will need a new name as there will no longer be ‘cruise diaries’ for a while. That is an amazing feeling……

Ever since I was a child I always loved bunnies….as everyone knows I love to this day…..and the year of the rabbit did NOT disappoint. Life is magical……

I already DID....and now off to Glory!!!!

Well that LAST one was fun wasn’t it!? Insert rolling eyes here…….ANYWAYS!

I leave again next week. Another Carnival Cruise Lines contract for 6 months this time out of New York City on the Carnival Glory doing 5 day cruises to the east coast of Canada then relocating by way of Bermuda to Miami to the east and west Caribbean again for the last part of the contract. WHEW! A good way to possibly bring my tangled web of a love affair with Carnival to an end. NOT to say that is in any way official of course….just saying this MIGHT be my last on the fun ships……we shall see. The future of anyone in entertainment always teeters on the edge of utter and total chaos….ooh the excitement!!! Speaking of excitement and chaos let’s recap my vacation and the “what we’ve learned” moment of this narrative.

So before I got back to land, unbeknownst to the general public, Chris and I had already plotted and schemed the whole marriage thing. We WERE going to go to the park with an officiant and two witnesses and then celebrate with a couple drinks afterward! All sounds lovely and romantic and easy right?? Chris’ mom got wind and the park got lit on fire. The ensuing craziness was enough to singe us a bit no doubt…..but we made it! I won’t spill gory details of family drama and wedding angst and stress. I said a million times through it all, at the end of the day I would be married to my favorite person in the world and that was what mattered. I think that mindset contributed to possibly the nicest, most relaxed wedding you could have asked for. Our DIY décor turned out beautifully, our humanist officiant was perfect in all ways, our attire was exactly what we had wanted, our cake design and cake topper I made looked amazing, the photographer was brilliant, our jazz band and duo at the ceremony were incredible……but a couple things in particular stand out in my mind from that day……

First off, I got a HUGE second chance in life with Chris. He found me after a pretty intense divorce and several disastrous relationships trying to mend those wounds. I hated myself and didn’t trust many people around me and did not want to be involved again. So of course coincidence dropped him, just coming out of a long and broken relationship as well himself, into my lap at that moment….without me realizing how much I needed him in so many ways. Long story short…..here we are two years later after much craziness and falling so crazy head over heels I can’t even describe. I could go on and gush about him more than I do already but let’s go back to the wedding……

Chris pulled one of his super amazing he’s a wonderful person stunts by conspiring with my best friend since childhood, Caleb, and had him show up on the doorstep for our day. Having the 2 most pivotal people in my life in the same place at the same time was such an amazing feeling of pure happiness I can’t even describe. Caleb has been the person to stand by me in almost everything in my life and to have him there to meet the RIGHT guy for me to be with and for them to get along like they did and have SO much fun was magical. He helped me decorate the wedding site and spent the day with me helping keep calm and collected, helped me get ready in my suite at the hotel, walked me to go see Chris before the ceremony and tore down most of the décor so I would not have to worry about it. But I think my favorite moment (and the video posted earlier is yes, the inspiration for this blog) was supposed to be another surprise, only I caught on after finding the chord sheet, that Caleb had been given a copy of ‘our song’ to learn and play for our first dance. It’s a tune by Jason Robert Brown called “Someone to Fall Back On” and while that title may raise an eyebrow, if you actually LISTEN to the lyrics they are so profound and sweet and heartfelt and intelligent it brings tears with every play. So to have my best friend (who is a incredibly naturally gifted performer and recording artist..check him out!!!) playing a song for my wedding to the one person I should be with and having him there for such an amazing moment and being PART of it was humbling for me. At the usual end of the song, he threw in a joke that even Chris knew about…but no one else. Growing up together and doing music all our lives, I always teased Caleb for his overuse of a musical device called ‘modulating’ on many of his songs ESPECIALLY the gospel genre of which he is most well known for and out of no where in his brilliantly arranged version of our song, modulates up in true Caleb form and starts a revival style riffed version of the chorus. Chris and I were pulled out of tears of happiness in that moment to pure joyous laughter that NO one could understand in that room. It was this perfect moment shared for me with my two favorite people….worth all the hassle and stress and tears and fights getting to that moment.

We never wanted a ‘ceremony’ per se in all this….to us, honestly marriage is a document. I know what it takes to tear that document up…it means nothing, except to us a way for us to work in each others countries and keep yet another barrier out of our way of being together always which IS our choice. Our document says we were legally married on July 9^th 2011. We made our CHOICE to be together on June 11^th 2009 and that is the anniversary date we choose to keep. Our humanist officiant Martin put it SO perfectly for us in a part of the ceremony (which we kept short for this very reason)

“The words that will be spoken here today are significant, though they are not what joined these two. Nor is it this ceremony. For we are not here to mark the start of their lives together but to recognize a partnership that already exists. We have gathered so that Alison and Chris might bear witness before us to the love that has grown between them.”

He got choked up after reading that part. He was amazing. And because there WERE so many amazing moments like that I am glad we had one hell of a nice party! Another favorite moment was WAY after it was all done. The family had gone and décor had been torn down. We walked outside and one table was still inhabited with just our closest friends. A few almost dead candles were lit and the garden table was littered with beer bottles, cocktail glasses and partially smoked cigars as well as a few other odds and ends. I looked around the table with my best friend and ‘husband’ and felt nothing but gratitude sitting in that garden with so many other wonderful people until they had to throw us out. It’s funny, even now after all of it I don’t feel ANY different about him than I did before. It did reaffirm the fact that I DO want to spend my life with him. He makes me happier than I can describe which is why next week has come WAY too quickly for me. I’ve loved being with him again for even this short time. I have loved getting my artwork back in swing this vacation, I have loved exploring the city more and learning the subways and buses and experiencing city life even further enough to know I can live without it! I have loved singing and playing piano and cuddling on the couch with movies and the fabulous amazing weekend trip to cottage country on the lake. It’s all been a whirlwind and all been wonderful. I love my life and my friends and family and especially my wonderful man Chris. I say it all the time but I think the people who know me best and know my past can attest to how much that really means. I am so lucky. And as much as you will hear me gripe and whine and complain the next 6 months which I will TRY not to do as much, I LOVE my job. Oh my goodness performing music on a cruise ship is a fabulous job!!! I hope I can do it for longer. We’ll see. Off to the Carnival Glory….hopefully the name will become a happy irony in the near future!

Officially OUT of the closet.....and the one more people love to hate at that!!

It’s been a while since I posted. I planned on posting right after I got done and got back to land….but you know how life goes.

I can say I am nothing but THRILLED to be back with Chris. This time more so than others I have needed some sort of normal land life. I loved the Destiny and the people no doubt, but there were more than a fair share of times I got sucked into the “bubble” of ship life and struggled to not lose myself in it. I think for the most part I did a good job….despite the fact that sometimes that made me feel like an outsider. I got over that feeling pretty quickly though after leaving and being back with one of the main people who makes me feel special, normal, like I “belong” somewhere. It reminds me why I DO try and stay grounded and not continue my entrapment once back on land. The bubble popped pretty quickly……I hope I can maintain that feeling when I head off to the Glory in August….

I could go on about how excited I am to get married….but what people don’t realize is that Chris and I decided to do it a long time ago! We just left everyone in the dark…..we really wanted it to just be about “us”. We hate the idea that marriage has to be about everyone else and be such a ceremonious show and perhaps a big way of “proving” our love to each other…..as if surviving months and months apart without collapse has not proven that! Our original plan was to go to a park, quietly with 2 witnesses and just get it done for US. We decided to let at least immediate family know just so it wouldn’t come as a shock, and while my family took it in stride, Chris’ did not so much. And here begins my real rant. My rant extends to every perspective of my life these days…..it’s infiltrated my family, the way I communicate with friends, my work colleagues, the people I perform for and the world in general for me and now in the most recent of events, MY marriage. (I say that as I have quickly found that it apparently does not solely belong to ME at this moment and time) The thing that has my heart and brain twisted and confused and at most times highly frustrated is religion. I just HEARD you cringe……NO one like this subject ESPECIALLY with me! And that is one of the things I have come to feel I need addressed publicly in my life…so here you go…..me candid much? Nah……

For the Readers Digest (and not to lose the important aspects here) I was born and raised strict Mormon. For those who think I am some spiritually and religiously uneducated heathen, you are highly misinformed. My mother came from a Catholic upbringing and converted at a young age and my father devout LDS. So I got an education on 2 very largely powerful Christian faiths. I am not devoid of religious doctrine by ANY means.

To put a very painfully long story short…I left all of it. I will get to what I do “believe” in just a bit so you get to wait for it before you start your mud slinging!!!! Chris has a lot of the same story as I do only coming from a mainly Catholic background….possibly more strict and devout than my Mormon upbringing. He was even an alter/choir boy going to a private Catholic boys school….creepy…..I know. To put HIS long story short…..he left all of it. To ADD to that story…..his mother to this day does NOT accept that fact……which is where we get to my marriage situation.

Without slinging mud of my own at Chris’ mother…..we have basically been forced into a very tight corner given ultimatums on marrying in a “proper” ceremony or our marriage will be invalid…..in THEIR eyes. That’s only the tip of the iceberg but letting ALL the family drama out in the open to me, is slightly unnecessary. But to avoid making Chris live the rest of his life being shunned by his mother, we agreed to do things MOSTLY her way. It has been a long haul to say the least…..with many tears and fights involved and a constant battle to not feel like our personal beliefs have been beaten into submission and taken away…..IRONICALLY though, in an amazing twist of fate, due to his own mother’s fault, and ANOTHER long story short, the ACTUAL ceremony will be performed not in a church, but outside, and NOT by any minister or priest of any religious affiliation but by a humanist officiant who happens to be a man…who is married to another man….and there will not be a single mention of god nor any sort of prayer in our ceremony. And the circumstance being what it is….Chris’ mother can’t fight it one bit. Like I said….sometimes karma makes me smile. But there is another side to all this that has been eating at me lately that I need to get off my chest.

Being that I was brought up in such a strict religious environment and knowing the reaction I am sure to be getting at this point in most readers eyes, I have kept a lot of this to myself. Not having any religious belief or affiliation can lead to a lot of isolated feelings and fear of public and social ostracism that not a lot of people can fully understand. I have always made the joke that the worst possible person to be would be a gay, racial minority atheist. You would be SCREWED socially and maybe more so for the atheism thing than the others……

Racial and sexual minorities I notice in the press these days are having more and more of a voice (ok, a HUGE voice let’s just be honest) and are being heard….a lot for the most part! I love that. I love that people are slowly coming out of their ignorant bubbles and seeing that the world is much more colorful and vibrant for difference than it is without. But one thing remains to stay slightly the same and that is the fact that as soon as the subject of religion or lack there of is raised, you may as well dig your self a hole and hand someone a gun. Game over. NBC recently took “One nation under god” out of the Pledge of Allegiance and were almost burned at the stake. Well….what about the rest of us? I certainly don’t believe I live in a nation “under god”. So where do MY rights come in here? You can’t have a president who has no religious affiliation or ANY sort of public figure for that matter, artist, sports figure, performer, etc etc etc You CAN however, advertise religion, god, scriptures, church, ANYWHERE you want, don’t mind the separation of church and state there IS none, and for those of us who do NOT believe the same…..we sit in quiet for the most part. I see friends of mine put up links about Pride fundraisers, or some sort of racial history celebration or link bible verse to their status on facebook and get support from everywhere (for the most part…there will ALWAYS be haters to any cause) I still exist in fear of repercussions of such an act REALLY supporting who I am and what I believe. If I say ANYTHING to the contrary of believing in god, I get immediately berated by people who despite possible good intentions, end up berating me for my lack of belief, tell me what I ACTUALLY believe in my HEART (WHAT?) tell me I could not possibly be a good person for my lack of faith, tell me I am misinformed, I am lost, I am not “whole” without the “savior” in my life…..and all this dumbfounds me. And for that….I am silenced. So then here I sit….I see videos go up praising Jesus and reminding me of “His” influence in someone’s life….I see people talk about church activities, hear preachy bible verses, and I have to sit silently for fear of being told I am “wrong” . I would never tell those people what they thought was “wrong” . or make them feel less for it, but I can’t post a video on what I personally believe in MY world to be true. I can’t post a HEY EVERYONE HERE”S A GREAT VIDEO ON WHAT I BELIEVE AND WHAT MAKES MY WORLD TURN AND MAKES ME A HAPPY WELL ROUNDED PERSON or even something to help maybe just understand where I am coming from better because the people who are the lord’s faithful advertisements would get upset. I can’t post something or share something that upsets me when people who share the same ideas are socially ridiculed and torn down by mainstream Christianity because somehow they would be RIGHT for fighting for their religious freedom….what about MY right to freedom FROM religion? I can’t even debate it much because who can debate “I just have faith and that’s the end of it” while being told of course I am wrong.

It hurts. It hurts me just as much as any race, creed, sexual orientation, even religion or ANY group of people hurt when the world, society, and worse their friends and family tell them who they are or what they believe is wrong and that THEY know better what they should or should not do with their lives or what they should or should not believe. It’s unfortunate. It’s unfortunate that due to this mentality I have to sit a lot in silence knowing how much my lifestyle is thoroughly frowned upon and hating the idea that I disappoint friends or family. It’s unfortunate I LET people make me feel bad or wrong for being me and being HAPPY for being the way I am! And it’s unfortunate that I have to give up those pieces of me sometimes to let people in my life stay there just because they can’t open their minds to see I AM happy and that how I live my life is good for ME. I don’t say that how I live my life is best for everyone…….and that is probably my biggest point. I am not going to say STOP believing in Jesus and advertising that fact or stop being proud or sharing things that make YOU happy! BE HAPPY!!! It’s wonderful when you find something in this world that enlightens you and moves you and makes you a GOOD person. That being said, I do not find it ok to use what makes YOU happy to tear down what makes someone ELSE happy.

So that all being said, I am not necessarily an atheist, but I do NOT believe in god. I do NOT believe there is one all powerful being in the sky judging me and rewarding me or anything of that nature. THERE! I said it plain and simple! I believe that I make my own destiny and that I alone am responsible for my OWN happiness and I alone am responsible for making choices everyday that can influence myself and others to do better in this life and find happiness in this life. I don’t think I am “right” on everything. I don’t have answers…no one does. BUT I refuse to feel BAD about myself for being happy with me (it’s taken a LONG time to get to this place folks) and for finally making some choices in my life that better define the sort of person I want to continue improving on. If that makes me “wrong” in someone’s eyes….so be it. “De-friend” me…ignore me….whatever. DON’T try and take my happiness away because you won’t do it…as Chris’ mother has found out…because I DO believe in karma….reaping what you sow, and when I marry Chris in front of a bunch of people (who I could care LESS what they think of my relationship) , and when that humanist makes us “legal” for all intents and purposes…(you can let that validate us however you want), there will be NO mention of “god” in that ceremony and I do believe that is karma working in OUR favor. I KNOW where I stand with myself and with the people who love me most and that is what’s important. And that should be what matters to everyone, it shouldn’t be about being “right” or not. As my tattoo eloquently puts and I remind myself of every day…..”There is nothing good or bad….only thinking makes it so”…….may you all find happiness with whatever YOU choose in life.

Annnnnnnd SCENE!!!

2 days….WHAAAAAT?!??!? 2 days and I am DONE. 6 months of my life if over and another ship chapter closes….kind of….I guess……..this is always an interesting experience. Summing up a contract and reflecting is always hard especially when it’s one away from the person you love.

I came here to the Carnival Destiny (The Death Star) 6 months ago a crying, emotional, vomiting MESS. Literally….if you didn’t read my first blog right when I got here I was literally throwing my guts up the night before I landed in Miami over just not wanting to leave Chris. I obviously survived. When I start a contract I tell myself “remember THIS moment…6 months from now it will have flown by and you will remember right NOW being so miserable and you’ll have been ok regardless….” I remember that moment right now. I did make it and I have been MORE than ok. Yes there were some big bumps in the road as there always are. I once again cursed Christmas and all that it stands for in a miserable broken down tantrum, I curled up numerous times in balls of tears when I missed Chris so much I could not handle it, I got glass thrown at me, I got migraines so intense there was MORE vomiting, I got mad at people I worked with and mad at stupid rude guests and finally ripped Piano Man from it’s comfy home in my music books forever. The world heard me roar a few times….I will be honest. I am not perfect and I do not handle things perfectly. But I handled them.

I will not remember this contract for the crap though. I came to this ship and subconsciously promised myself I would make the most of it. I would find parts of myself I had forgotten and do things I was passionate about and extend myself and make new friends and try and love as much as I could instead of feeling anger at the circumstance. I vowed to give the guests more of a break than I usually do and not get so worked up as I have in the past. I did pretty well everything I set out to do. I went back to painting and drawing and discovered my original passion. It seems to have gone over well and I will admit to being proud of my work. I love having multiple things in the arts to fall on. I got back to practicing controlling my emotions through meditating and relaxing as much as I could….it didn’t always work but I was in a MUCH better place so some good came out of it. I met some of the best people I have ever met on ships as well as strengthening old friendships. I got to see other friends from other contracts who docked with us which kept my mind occupied and gave me lots to look forward in ports. I got visits from my wonderful man and his friends, I got a cruise with my best friend who I have not seen in forever and loved having time with him, I got to show my mom what I do nowadays and give her a nice time as well as my little brother. I lived by my own rules and never did anything I didn’t feel like or compromise myself for anyone in any way. I was kinder to guests and never let them make me cry for being rude or ignorant which was a HUGE thing for me. I read books and made vision boards and gave holiday gifts and attended parties. I saw old places I love and went to new ones….Key West is a new favorite not to mention the incredible psychic experience I had there. I hope every prediction she made comes true….she nailed my personal life down to a “t” so let’s hope everything else is rock solid as well! My future is a sunny place according to her and I am ready for happy stuff!!

And now it’s good bye time. I truly love some of the people I have found connections with here. I will miss my sweet friend Ali who held my hand numerous times when I fell apart and gave me more encouragement than I could have asked for. I will miss Cory and Nick and their antics and sharing afternoons having “chinka chinka time” painting with Nick and being music theatre geeks. I will miss Alan the Scottish light tech and his ridiculous British shows and sweet helpful gestures of hugs and ginger ales when migraines struck. I will miss pretty much this entire team…..the dancers, the hosts, musicians, my AMAZING room mate Jocelyn and her consistent digs at me, her pickle addiction, her tribal dancing and her hatred of being hugged. She got the WRONG room mate! I will miss my music director Eddie harassing me and telling me whenever he can what method he is going to use when he fires me. Nothing like positive reinforcement! I will miss SO much my break dancer boys…..Wish, Age and AK. I have met a lot of people on ships and they have been some of the most genuine and “real” people as you can find in entertainment and I had a BLAST with them. I have had SO many good experiences….not even the “I went swimming with dolphins today” sort of experiences (or the I got to be on stage with one of the NKOTB! Lol….loved it admittedly) but more the kind that make you a better person for having them. I am GRATEFUL for this contract. I LOVE my life I really honestly do. I have started to really love being “me” as well and being without Chris and having to rely on “me” quite a bit has helped me find things in myself I did not realize were there. I am a stronger and more confident person I feel for this contract. I have already been offered my next ship….the Glory, a nice big Conquest class out of NYC!!! I am going there with one of my VERY best friends Katie Schultz and if I can’t be there with Chris, I am THRILLED to get to spend SO much quality time with one of my favorite people in the world! I am a lucky girl indeed. SO….6 months of living, working, eating, and playing with these people. In 2 days I leave…..as much as I will miss them and as thoroughly grateful as I am for everything I have gained here….it’s more than time for me to go. 2 months with my man and I could not be more excited……life can only get more beautiful and I am ready for it!

The Grateful List

Well, since the doozy of one mass amount of emotional vomit that last blog was….I decided to change it up QUITE a bit today. Just for the record I am hardly ever the doom and gloom person. Another thing my psychic told me was the fact that I do a good job putting a smile on my face so no one knows if I am upset….I concur.

I do a lot of reading of “self help” books. I am actually all about figuring yourself out without the help of outside sources telling you how you should and shouldn’t be….which kind of eliminates the idea of self help books cause and in that case I shouldn’t need them….oh well. Everyone can use some inspiration. Whatever the case, most of them say the same thing….find everything in your life you are grateful for. Remind yourself daily…or make a LIST!!! Mental lists are good….but written are better. Feeling grateful for things boosts you mood insane amounts…..SO without further rambling than I am ABOUT to do….here is a list of some of the things that have been scrolling through my mind lately that make me happy and grateful on a daily basis.

Let’s get it out of the way….even though it’s not FIRST…you know it’s coming…..bunnies. There I said it…..they just make me HAPPY. Like babbling, giggly, stupid sort of happy that inspire artwork and acts of giving on my behalf that maybe wouldn’t normally happen otherwise. They have brought on numerous inside jokes between me and Chris and given those around me something to associate me with and laugh about with me. I have been in love with them since a kid and they don’t seem to be gong anywhere anytime soon.

I am grateful every single day and take at least SOME time each day to remind myself of the fact that I LOVE what I do and have done for a living. Holy crap!! I look at my life and realize that even as a kid I was using visualization to get me where I wanted in life. It’s not been easy and not always perfect, but wow…..I am grateful that I have spent the bulk of my adult life being paid to perform. I have sang, danced, written, choreographed, acted, played music and done it without a student loan. In addition, I am also grateful for everyone who told me I COULDN’T do any of it…..and there have been a LOT of those people in my life. It makes it all the more gratifying with every little triumph…even at the most basic. Between that and how hard I have had to work at all of it, I take nothing for granted that I get to do. THAT my friends, is something worth being happy and thankful for.

I am grateful for the people in my life. My family is for all intents and purposes INSANE. Not gonna lie….BUT they helped shape me good and bad for what I am today. And my CLOSE friends are phenomenal. I honestly have some of the best BEST friends anyone could have. They are such real, unconditional and honest human beings. I am so proud of them and to have them in my life. Even the ones who have flitted in and out have been amazing. I love watching what people in my life do with their lives on a daily basis…the choices they make and the things they do with themselves. It’s all so inspiring. I have met so many colorful and vibrant people in my life I am astounded sometimes at the variations of personalities and influences in people in this world. It’s fascinating and amazing to me……

Believe it or not, I am grateful for my religious upbringing. It gave me a foundation of basics morals I think I needed as a young person (even though now I KNOW it’s fully possible to acquire that WITHOUT religion). Also, when it came time in my life to figure out who I AM without the influence of others and really really think and research and soul search on how I actually felt about things and what I really thought….it was nice to have both sides of the coin. I appreciate the people in my life who ARE religious who still accept and love me. Contrary to popular belief, giving up religion does not change you, I am still ME if not MORE so…..just without something in my life I feel is absolutely unnecessary. I love the opportunity to try to be an example to others that you can be a good person on your OWN and not have anything hanging over your head that makes you feel obligated to love and serve others. And above all else be so free and so happy and fulfilled in life it actually takes my breath away some days……in fact….I am grateful for religion for that fact, that I now know how it feels to live without it and what an AMAZING and freeing feeling that is.

I am always grateful for all arts….this goes along with loving what I do, but goodness…..I stop and just appreciate them ALL the time. I LOVE being surrounded by performers especially the ones who love what they do and do it because of that. I love music and art and dance and writing and designing and just CREATING from your heart and I love love love watching others find that in themselves or even better inspiring others to find that in themselves. When I have anyone asks if they can come paint with me, or if I will teach them to play a song or whatever…..I swell up inside with happiness that someone opened themselves up to ART!!! I love it. It truly is my passion and calling in this world. I hope one of the psychics predictions that I would always do what I love for a living and make money at it is true….I can’t see anything else for myself.

Finally, of course there would not be a list without my Chrisopher Blair involved. Oh my……I keep a picture of the two of us on the front of one of my music books. If I am ever having a “moment” at work….I make sure and have it within eye sight and I am immediately filled with love and gratitude for the best thing to ever happen to me. I am one who can truly appreciate what real, unconditional, selfless love is. Those who know me best know I have had it rough and have made some horrible decisions in love in my life and finally, this is the person that is RIGHT. He showed up in the exact place and time when he needed to. We have never had it easy maintaining what we have, BUT something as amazing as what I have with this man is worth EVERY little set back or professional hiccup or cultural barrier (yes Canada is NOT another state in America….). No one in this world loves me for who I am like him. There is no one I have more fun with, am more comfortable around, who makes me laugh as much or feel as deeply. I want to be a better person every single day for his example as a human being. I am so lucky to have something people desperately want or search their entire lives for and sometimes never find. I want to live as long as possible if nothing else, just to spend more time with him. He, for all intents and purposes, completes me.

As for the little things, a quick list….Ice Breaker Mints, Red Bull, Sushi (all you can eat is the best kind) any and ALL animals, good bbq in moderation, travel, good books, hair dryers, a loaded make up bag, Forever 21, photo shop, 8 minute abs and 8 minute buns (because I am the LAZIEST gym person ever….16 minutes is QUITE enough!!), Tim Burton movies, orange kool aide (oh god I NEED some now!!) and a fully stocked vaporizer (there….go ahead and JUDGE!!!! I just don’t care!! Lol!) I am SO happy I did this!!!! Not even the drunks at my stage can take away any of this from me......which gives me one more thing on the list! ;)