"Merry" Christmas????

When I was a kid, I had a favorite tradition at Christmas. This is going to sound cheesy….but it’s more true than I think I can really explain…but I think where I want this to go will give reason as to what I mean…..

My parents (when they were married and we could act like a moderately normal family) liked each Christmas to find a family in need. As kids we didn’t quite understand why Santa and baby Jesus couldn’t help people who didn’t have presents and money and food….but we went along with this idea anyways….we got to go and pick out toys, not for us, but for the family and then wrap them and get a bunch of different food and treats together. We’d sneak to the porch of the family, leave everything in a pile, ring the doorbell and run. My dad made sure we would hide somewhere we could see the people open the door and find the presents. I remember that feeling more so than the memory of any gift I ever got as a child. It made me feel good to make others feel good especially if Santa or Jesus was going to forget them. Someone needed to remember those people right?

As an adult I did this little stunt a couple other times….more memorably with some friends who wanted to get in on it….after we ran from the family’s house, I remember one of the girls in a voice obviously choked with tears say that it actually felt like Christmas at that point. That was also the Christmas I would have been left completely alone in a new city unless my best friend Caleb hadn’t come to save the day and bring me presents and more importantly himself which was a bigger gesture of unconditional friendship and love as I have been shown by a lot of people……I miss him….and other people of course as anyone can guess…..

Considering my innate nature at this time of year, I think I just expect people to “get it” around the holidays. I expect people to “get” that this time of year and ANY time of year should be an opportunity to share and give love and spread happiness for any reason. So in an environment such as ships where there are a million and one different reasons to show some love I expect it even more. There are a bunch of different people thrown together in the same situation at Christmas. We are away from family, friends and significant others. We ALL need some uplifting at the holiday season. I am of the mindset that that does not exclude anyone because of religious belief, race, (especially on ships) gender, lifestyle, JOB, etc etc etc. My first year on ships was wonderful…..a huge support system of entertainment staff who tried to make sure everyone felt the sting a little less that year of the separation and anxiety of the specific season. I wish every department could use ours that year as a template for a bunch of people trying to help each other out…..I am not going to get into the past couple years of Christmases on ships. I am not going to point fingers….but I will say I am disappointed. I am not personally hurt, but hurt in general that people I know in this lifestyle knowing what we know about what we all go through, make conscious choices to exclude and to segregate….to seemingly consciously choose to decide who should and shouldn’t have fun at this time of year or to make the conscious decision to not care. To see sadness on people’s faces who SHOULDN’T have to be sad this time of year is disheartening. To feel helpless is even more saddening as sometimes you can’t do anything to fix it but know it could have been prevented…..kind of like preventative health care….sometimes with a little knowledgeable preventative measures, a lot of people could be spared a lot of discomfort. Sparing emotional discomfort is something everyone should be allowed if possible…especially in these over emotional circumstances and situations my lifestyle lends itself to.

I wish so much that I had the means to play the “secret santa” game for EVERYONE I know…..and even those I don’t know but could use it. I wish the people who CAN and COULD have….would. The world, even in our tiny little bubble of a section of it, could be such a nicer and more livable place if people could adopt a more sensitive mentality. It’s the reason why I don’t mind being openly agnostic at Christmas. I know my intentions are purely good for the sake of being good ones. I don’t expect anything in return when I do act, I just enjoy it. THAT sort of selfish behavior would be more than acceptable at this time of year. For all those people who need love and some uplifting this time of year, I hope you find it. I hope you get someone who knocks on your door and leaves something whether it be a present or cookies a hug or smile….just something to make you feel loved. Until then, I am going to spend my Christmas day in Cozumel Mexico. I am going to write my friends and loved ones and focus on what I can at this point…..I am going to talk to the love of my life who makes it feel like “Christmas” every day and gives me more than anything could provide materialistically in this world. I am going to eat crap today and go on a diet and go to the gym tomorrow. I am going to remember what I personally feel is the real meaning of this season, NOT the religious aspect because come on people…..history proves Jesus wasn’t even born today……so it’s not that AND it’s CERTAINLY not the material aspect. So while you’re thanking people for the presents and wishing Jesus a happy surprise birthday…..stop for a minute and ask yourself what it’s all SUPPOSED to mean……and then maybe go spread some cheer….just because it’s the nice thing to do….every day of the year. Merry Christmas world.

One of the Perks

I work with a LOT of talent. When I came to ships from Branson, I was used to performers at that point. I had shared the stage with plenty of amazing people doing amazing things….but then I got an even broader spectrum coming into an entertainment community that branches out across the world. Cruise lines hire from everywhere and honestly, NOT a lot of Americans. I am a minority in my circle of work peers. When you DO meet an American performer on ships chances are they are a musician. So when I met the new show band pianist I was not surprised to see he was from PA. This guy though, all things considered was mildly rough around the edges. I have to say, musicians usually are for the most part which is why I usually end up hanging out with the dancers (not a LOT less rough but less so for the most part!) as well as the fact that musicians are also almost always men. Strike out on my end again. Anyways, this new guy was young, tall, bald with little glasses, white as white can be but had a mouth on him like a kid from the projects. And with a name like Dimitri you just couldn’t add it all up…..I was amused to say the least my first conversation with him. He happened to be standing in the atrium during a set of mine (which made me nervous……fellow performers are always the worst critics) after which I came down and thanked him for watching and chatted a bit. He was kind hearted as could be, but like I said….a little rough in conversation. I imagined another rock/pop/jazz pianist who couldn’t even begin to appreciate what a classically trained pianist would have to bring to the table and was mildly intrigued when he mentioned he was working on some “pieces” of the classical genre. I gave him a standing offer to sit in on any of my sets and see what he could do.

So I was pleasantly surprised today when out of no where, at what happened to be my “classical” set of the day, Dimitri showed up. He complimented what I had just been playing and I said I would be glad to let him play….it just had to be classical as it was “tea time” and that was the preferred vibe for that particular setting. From what he had told me about his background and what he had been working on I was expecting perhaps my equal at maybe a few random well know classics.

There are many times when I am humbled and dare I say speechless at certain people’s talent and humility as performers. Dimitri sat at my piano, un tucked polo shirt, striped shorts and dirty sneakers, glasses sitting on top of his bald head and played. I was immediately breathless. From what he had told me….he was somewhat of a novice at this style and I was NOT listening to a novice. His long fingers literally danced across the keys to some of Chopin and Lizts and even Mozart’s (my personal fave’s) more difficult sonatas and etudes. I am RARELY made emotional by performers at this stage of my career. I have seen too many to count……this time was different though. I was choked up at the simplicity of this person who I had made too many quick assumptions of based on one conversation, playing such intricately difficult and stunning pieces that I could not even fathom playing unless hours were put in practicing and even then my small hands would probably never be able to handle the amount of notes and length it takes to play that sort of classical piece. I was choked up too by the humility of someone who could just sit and play so effortlessly with so much precision and emotion and still be able to turn around and tell ME I was a wonderful musician. And even with all that he still, after finishing his first selection, turned and asked “Was that ok? I know YOU’RE much better at this style but I really wanted to come play some of this since I never get to”. All I could do was smile like an idiot and say…it was perfect.

I have been so lucky to meet so many people like Dimitri, who not only show me what amazing talent looks and sounds like, but also what true passion for art and true humility look like as well. I have seen dancers who could be gracing the stages of national ballets and heard singers who should (some who have) been on Broadway and listened to musicians who could solo in any band or orchestra I have ever heard. And more often then not, THOSE are the ones you want to spend time with. They’re the ones who have usually been my long standing friends in this crazy life style and have been my inspirations and motivations to better myself as a performer AND as a person. I find often that the truly talented ones are usually the most down to earth and humble. I am SO lucky to be surrounded by them every day of every contract I take. It’s them that make doing what we all do together that much more worthwhile and fulfilling. I hope at least some of them get to read this because they know who they are…..and to them I want to say thank you. I am a very fortunate person to work with you and call you my friends. Hopefully I can one day match the level they’re all at as a professional AND a person…..

Defining Normal

When I was growing up I never had the normal wants in life most kids are raised to want. I was not one to imagine my wedding day or think of names for future children. I was always a big dreamer. So it's probably no surprise I do what I do. Going into entertainment though, especially coming from a VERY small town was not easy in any way so every teacher or coach that ever said DON'T DO THIS was probably right......it takes a certain warped, riven, stubborn sort of person to do this because it is NOT easy, which makes me a pretty good candidate. I never do things the easy way and I am stubborn as anyone when it comes to what I want in life and I wanted to perform.

So all in all it's been a pretty good ride....NEVER easy of course....but good all around. I enjoy cruise ships for the most part. The traveling is nice....I mean, I am writing this from Cozumel Mexico which is one of my favorite spots and looking at the ocean and seeing the skyline of Playa Del Carmen across the way and it's sunset.....beautiful. These are the moments I love what I do. Now of course, when I get back to the ship and have to pay for internet and am stuck to a mildly confining place and don't have Chris with me the questions start to roll through my brain......even though I am playing music for a living I wonder what having a "normal" existence would be like.....

I was reading a friend from high school's blog this afternoon. She took what most people would describe as the "normal" route. She married her high school sweetheart who has worked very hard in school and has a more normal job that affords them the ability to have a nice home and two kids. They do more normal people things like school activities and putting up decorations on their home for holidays, having family bbq's and dinners, you know....."normal" things..... And I looked at that life and thought....that could be nice......! Maybe? I used to have a home....a nice one. I was performing on land and it was SO hard, even with the good money it brought in, the instability of all of it was very overwhelming to keep a house and try to be normal. For those who do not know me well, I was married at the time too and trying my best at it. I seem to have failed at it for the most part....lol. But the feeling of having that little piece of normal was kind of nice. But at the time my heart wasn't in it and now here I am a million miles away from anything that resembles a normal life. I have to talk to the man I love on Skype for the most part and wonder when the next time is that we are going to spend a long amount of time together. My "work" consists of playing piano and learning to get along with entertainers from all over the world shoved into the tiniest of hallways literally backstage of the theatre on a cruise ship. I go to places people save their entire lives to see on a weekly basis although I don't even have my car and have to rely on public transit everywhere I go or do a lot of walking. There are days when I would love "normal". There are days I just want my car, and a big bed with my man to cuddle up to. I want to go to the mall or eat somewhere I WANT to eat or get cable tv and have a house of my own again and decorate it how I want and not share my space with strangers and have to put on a "show" all the time for everyone I come in contact with. Those thoughts are nice thoughts. But it never fails as soon as I get back to land (and mind you...neither Chris or I can call anywhere on land "home" yet....staying with your parents at this age is just not enough freedom to be considered "home") it only takes me a week or so to want the rest of the world again. I miss being paid to do what I truly in my heart love doing, not something I "need" to do or "have" to do because society or anyone else tells me I should. I go home and see people I know doing and having "normal". I do love and envy parts of that normal but I always ask myself if I could actually be "doing normal"right now in my life. Would I be ok doing what everyone else seems to be doing and just going through life the way some people term as what "normal" is? Honestly.....at this point probably not! I never want the "what if's" and the "should have's" or "could have's" in my life. So someday when I DO have the house and hopefully Chris puts a ring on my finger...wink wink......and we become what the world defines as more socially responsible, at least then we can look back and know we did things that fulfilled us and we lived a life we could look back on without regret or questioning. For me, that would be better than any "normal" in the entire world. Going to head back to the ship now where no amount of normal exists........

(above pictures are of my current ship the Destiny and my stage in the atrium with my piano)

Care Bears and cameras and Jamaica...oh my....

I AM SO TIRED!!!

It’s ok you don’t have to feel sorry for me……I don’t feel sorry for me. It’s been a good week all in all as far as first weeks go. I am sitting here in a mud mask with Chris’ old Care Bear Bunny. (see pic) There are a few things that are funny about this besides the obvious….one is that of all the Care Bears in the world, when he was a kid, the one he had was the bunny. And he had to go and find the one girl who has an abnormal obsession for that certain animal. Needless to say, I stole it and he is with me on the ship for something to cuddle at night. Now the other thing that is kind of funny is the fact that all you get as far as a picture for my first week here is another dumb cropped eyes only photo done with photo booth. It’s not that I am not taking pictures, it’s because I am pretty sure I have the wrong cable to this camera Chris gave me and I have no idea how to get the pictures off the camera. So you do not get to see pictures of my room, any of the people here or any of the snaps I took while in Ocho Rios Jamaica today. Nope. Just mud mask and bunny eyes. Who cares about Jamaica right???

I had random Jamaica thoughts yesterday actually. I was on a ship that went to Montego Bay all the time years ago so I can’t say I was actually “excited” to be in Jamaica again even though it was Ocho Rios instead. So yesterday I was playing a set in the dining room at the back of the ship and I took a break….yes I took a break from playing the piano. Go stare at a page full of tiny black dots for an hour and slap your hands on a table repeatedly and see if you don’t want one too!!!! Anyways, I sat by a window for a few minutes and just stared at the ocean and the horizon. This is a good way to let your mind wander by the way….and I almost wandered off into whiny territory, the I really miss Chris and want to be on the same ship with him now and I don’t feel like playing piano today because these passengers are not into listening to me and boy I wish tomorrow was Cozumel and not Jamaica or even better why can’t it be next Sunday so it’s payday and holy crap would I kill for a chocolate donut right now sort of thoughts. Eesh. Stop on Jamaica day. Why would anyone in their right mind think, I don’t feel like going to Jamaica??? Ok, it’s one of those “it’s my job” moments. We all have them no matter what our profession and at that moment, the fact that I almost felt irritation over going to Jamaica struck me as very funny. I have SO many actually fun, funny, and happy memories of the place! And this was the other side of the island and apparently a better side so it had to be something to look forward to. In my efforts this week to keep positive while being alone again, I have been very aware of feelings of gratitude for almost every situation I come across. So with all that in mind, I got off the boat today and was VERY happy to see a more civilized area of the island with an actually decent pier that walked you straight into a livable area. Ok, fair enough, I still got harassed to buy this and that every 5 seconds but when I actually stopped to really look at where I was and really appreciate it, really, it’s a beautiful place. And even better, I found a QUIET (in a touristy area like that, quiet is a novelty) café with internet access and sat for a couple hours and talked on Skype with the best looking man in the entire world and soaked up some sunshine before going back to the ship and playing piano for a few hours. That was my work day kids. So don’t feel sorry for me because I am tired. I can deal with staring at lots of little black dots on paper and flailing my hands across the keys for people who don’t really seem to be paying much attention (ok there were a few….I got some sincerely nice compliments tonight). Do feel bad though that I couldn’t put up a picture of the ship sitting in beautiful blue ocean (the ocean is perfect in Jamaica…bluest anywhere I am certain) or a picture of the island from the pier or the Rastafarians selling touristy souvenirs in little stands. Blame Chris for not giving me the GOOD camera while I am away….I will try and take care of this problem. Until then, enjoy the Care Bear Bunny, and my mud masked face which by the way, now has squeaky clean pores. Off to bed to cuddle the bunny and I will sadly say that I will not be getting off the ship in Grand Cayman tomorrow. I can’t take pictures anyway so I’ll sleep in and fix that “tired problem” I was complaining about!

Getting by with a little help...

I’m doing better today. Like I said, the first cruise or so is a battle of riding the ups and downs and finding a good place of routine and semi-stability as much as you can find in this atmosphere. Part of finding that “at home” feeling relies a lot on the people you surround yourself with. Good ship companions as I have found out, can make or break a contract for you. While I tend to try and be on the independent side and not need to constantly lean on someone, an emotionally driven person such as myself does, embarrassingly at times, rely on those stable relationships. One of the downfalls, and charm of this life is the seemingly magical way that important people filter seamlessly in and out of your existence on ships.

This has been the case for a few friends who have woven their way back into my ship life world this week. The first, has been Alison (not me speaking in 3^rd person….an actual dancer named Alison) who was on the Paradise with Chris and I almost 2 years ago now. A light hearted, care free Australian girl who is much younger than me (as most dancers on ships are which leads me to feel more mature than I should at 28) but has a quirky maturity about her that has always been endearing. I knew she would be here when I accepted this ship and was one of the reasons I did choose this ship. To have someone who knows and loves both me AND my boyfriend is very reassuring and her presence has been very comforting as she is in a similar situation being apart from a boyfriend as well. I spent a good long while sitting with her on the floor of her room talking and laughing and enjoying a nice feeling of “family” yesterday, which is a very nice luxury close to the holidays and in this environment where you can feel very easily isolated. I am very grateful to have someone just down the hallway that I know I can steal a hug from when I need it. Unfortunately, you don’t always have that on every contract.

The other enormous friend luxury I have been provided docked next o me in Grand Turk today. When Chris signed off the Paradise and left me to finish my contract over a year ago, a girl named Katie Schultz had signed on to be the singer in the new cast of performer on the ship. Katie is also American (which on ships is a rarity…..no one can throw the minority card at me after my time in this lifestyle) which is a common bond right off, but even more so, the common thread of similarities in personality we share cannot be overlooked. Chris had met her first and immediately “picked her out” for me and told her to take care of me when he left the Paradise and that she did. She was almost literally my saving grace (her and her Australian at the time boyfriend Matt who also was on this ship visiting her this particular day) and we have shared a friendship bond since that has stood contracts and vacations apart for over a year now which also, in this lifestyle, is something to be said for. So it was with much happiness that both our ships today happened to dock in the same port and I was literally the first person to run off the gangway and nearly tackle Katie who was standing on the pier with Matt waiting for me. While I will not get into everything talked about or all the catching up shared, the fact that I have the opportunity to be around people that I care very much for and value in my life is priceless. I get wonderful opportunities in my line of work…..just the fact that I stepped off a CRUISE SHIP (where I LIVE) into a port like Grand Turk and this is a normal occurrence is special. But having that on a regular basis reaffirms to me constantly the importance of people like Katie, Alison and Matt in my life who feel like a family when I am far away from any stable sort of family or my boyfriend. It’s them who love and accept me when I need a person to trust and talk to or laugh with or show vulnerability when a lot of this lifestyle depends on your strength and independence. Their friendships, when SO many relationships in the life of an entertainer are just fly by acquaintances, are so valuable to me and worth working at to keep in contact and stay connected to. I am so happy and so grateful this contract that I have that. It’s going to be a lot of what keeps me sane so far away and with so many unknowns at this moment and so close to the holidays. And for me, that’s saying a lot.