When I was growing up I never had the normal wants in life most kids are raised to want. I was not one to imagine my wedding day or think of names for future children. I was always a big dreamer. So it's probably no surprise I do what I do. Going into entertainment though, especially coming from a VERY small town was not easy in any way so every teacher or coach that ever said DON'T DO THIS was probably right......it takes a certain warped, riven, stubborn sort of person to do this because it is NOT easy, which makes me a pretty good candidate. I never do things the easy way and I am stubborn as anyone when it comes to what I want in life and I wanted to perform.
So all in all it's been a pretty good ride....NEVER easy of course....but good all around. I enjoy cruise ships for the most part. The traveling is nice....I mean, I am writing this from Cozumel Mexico which is one of my favorite spots and looking at the ocean and seeing the skyline of Playa Del Carmen across the way and it's sunset.....beautiful. These are the moments I love what I do. Now of course, when I get back to the ship and have to pay for internet and am stuck to a mildly confining place and don't have Chris with me the questions start to roll through my brain......even though I am playing music for a living I wonder what having a "normal" existence would be like.....
I was reading a friend from high school's blog this afternoon. She took what most people would describe as the "normal" route. She married her high school sweetheart who has worked very hard in school and has a more normal job that affords them the ability to have a nice home and two kids. They do more normal people things like school activities and putting up decorations on their home for holidays, having family bbq's and dinners, you know....."normal" things..... And I looked at that life and thought....that could be nice......! Maybe? I used to have a home....a nice one. I was performing on land and it was SO hard, even with the good money it brought in, the instability of all of it was very overwhelming to keep a house and try to be normal. For those who do not know me well, I was married at the time too and trying my best at it. I seem to have failed at it for the most part....lol. But the feeling of having that little piece of normal was kind of nice. But at the time my heart wasn't in it and now here I am a million miles away from anything that resembles a normal life. I have to talk to the man I love on Skype for the most part and wonder when the next time is that we are going to spend a long amount of time together. My "work" consists of playing piano and learning to get along with entertainers from all over the world shoved into the tiniest of hallways literally backstage of the theatre on a cruise ship. I go to places people save their entire lives to see on a weekly basis although I don't even have my car and have to rely on public transit everywhere I go or do a lot of walking. There are days when I would love "normal". There are days I just want my car, and a big bed with my man to cuddle up to. I want to go to the mall or eat somewhere I WANT to eat or get cable tv and have a house of my own again and decorate it how I want and not share my space with strangers and have to put on a "show" all the time for everyone I come in contact with. Those thoughts are nice thoughts. But it never fails as soon as I get back to land (and mind you...neither Chris or I can call anywhere on land "home" yet....staying with your parents at this age is just not enough freedom to be considered "home") it only takes me a week or so to want the rest of the world again. I miss being paid to do what I truly in my heart love doing, not something I "need" to do or "have" to do because society or anyone else tells me I should. I go home and see people I know doing and having "normal". I do love and envy parts of that normal but I always ask myself if I could actually be "doing normal"right now in my life. Would I be ok doing what everyone else seems to be doing and just going through life the way some people term as what "normal" is? Honestly.....at this point probably not! I never want the "what if's" and the "should have's" or "could have's" in my life. So someday when I DO have the house and hopefully Chris puts a ring on my finger...wink wink......and we become what the world defines as more socially responsible, at least then we can look back and know we did things that fulfilled us and we lived a life we could look back on without regret or questioning. For me, that would be better than any "normal" in the entire world. Going to head back to the ship now where no amount of normal exists........
(above pictures are of my current ship the Destiny and my stage in the atrium with my piano)
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