Over...and Overwhelmed...(in every GOOD way possible!)

I realize I have not written on this thing since leaving for the Glory. My excuse is a pretty good one….I have been far too busy being pretty freakin happy to be bothered in all honesty…good enough? I thought so…..anyways….

When I was a little girl I longed to live where there were palm trees. I drew palm trees and talked about spending time in Florida and visiting far off islands. When I was little, I would write plays and stories and draw pictures and sing and play piano and dream of creating things that would make people happy. And I always insisted I would never marry until I was almost 30.

So far I have done everything I wanted to as a little girl except a slight deviation due to what I THOUGHT was the ‘right thing’….but the right thing was dictated by what everyone else and society told me was the right thing and that ‘right thing’ turned out pretty wrong all considered. But you learn from those mistakes, and the biggest lesson here? Follow your OWN heart and what it tells you is right, NEVER what anyone else, society or the world even, tell you to. Palm trees always felt right. Singing and dancing and music and art always felt right. And finding myself before finding ‘the one’ always felt right too.

So here we are at the end of 2011. On the Chinese calendar, this was the ‘year of the rabbit’. If that doesn’t scream ‘Alison’s year’ I am not quite sure what does. Not to mention all the predestined good luck monikers of myriads of 11’s to be found in all sorts of numerology tables. Add to that the infamous psychic reading in Key West telling me to quit worrying and that I would find myself being offered the job I was seeking by years end or beginning of next and that the love of my life would marry me and you have a recipe for what was shaping to be MY YEAR. It HAS been.

Oh, of course there have been the speed bumps. Missing my Chris, family and friend drama up to the neck as always, nagging wrist pain making piano quite a chore not to mention the constant onslaught of stupidity from tourists which we all know I LOVE, the ins and outs of living on a cruise ship.….the usual. But I try and not focus on that….but for the audience members feeling possibly a bit annoyed at my seemingly endless good fortune and needing to know I get a good smack in the face now and then, I thought I would throw that in. Life is never quite perfect all the time, but if you can get close, my year in it’s entirety has been about as close as you can come. So let’s recap shall we?

Palm trees……since leaving Branson (where I sang and danced….childhood goal there achieved) and the house and marriage I was told I SHOULD have, I have had palm trees. I have had so many palm trees on so many beaches in so many places it’s almost stupid. I have loved them. I will say it’s not QUITE the same come Christmas, but when I think how much I longed for tropical places as a child and how many tropical places I have been to, it does make me a bit giddy inside. This year has rounded out seeing places I have never been and palm trees and beaches I have never experienced. Walking outside in places like St Thomas, being back in Mexico, Bermuda, San Juan and the Bahamas and call it ‘work’ almost seems criminal and amazing all at once. I am grateful to no end for it…..but it’s time to leave my beaches behind for a while……

My whole life I have wanted nothing but to create. Being in the spotlight from time to time has been nice, no doubt, but I have said before and will say again, if someone wanted to pay me to just sit and write or paint, or sing or play music or choreograph and never be recognized for it, but make my living at it I would do it in a heartbeat and be content. I am getting that wish it seems once again in my life. In Branson, when I was not performing, I was writing shows and choreographing for a resort in town on a small scale and it was blissful. Now, years later, after a prediction by a psychic and a wholehearted prediction by a dear friend who just seems to ‘know’ these things, the most unthinkably wonderful good thing has happened for not only me but so many people I love who are going to be touched in some way for the better by this recent event. Years and years ago, my mother and friend wrote a musical about the Statue of Liberty and it’s creators and Ellis Island and the immigrants that traveled there. My mother also had dreams that she chased. And as luck and good timing would have it, she found herself in the right place at the right time with the right people and a product they wanted at the exact moment SHE also needed a miracle. She got it as did I. Everyone knows I have needed a break from ships and a chance to go back to what I love as well as hopefully give my talented husband a performing job as well. What better way to do that then to join the creative team of an original musical written by people I love that will open on New York’s Ellis Island? Dreams come true, and also, having been a child that subscribed to every cheese ball Disney ballad of dreaming and following your heart and seeing it through, I can honestly say it HAPPENS. It does take drive, determination, love and lots of luck but it does happen. I am breathless sometimes when I tell this particular story these days…..it seems every childhood dream of mine is coming true. Thank you Cinderella for the inspiration…..

Speaking of Disney, I never played ‘wedding’ or thought of being a bride as a kid, BUT I DID want Prince Charming. I definitely wanted the handsome, romantic man to sweep me off my feet and carry me off to happily ever after. Well, after an EPIC fail and a few more strike outs later, my white knight showed up completely unexpectedly and out of the blue…..when you ask? When I decided it was high time to love MYSELF and learn to be ME. And then the perfect person showed up to love the REAL me too. I get butterflies every time I talk about him. This year, I married the love of my life and it may have been the BEST day of my life. Once again, to be clear, not because of the document we signed, but because we got to share with everyone we know the fact that we CHOOSE to be together and that we think one another are perfect the way the other is and want nothing but to spend our lives together and do everything in our power to spend out lives HAPPY. I never feel ‘less’ than him or inferior, but on the same level of understanding of unconditional love and acceptance for another human being. I never have to worry that being myself will drive him away or upset him. I am never scared to say what I feel or think around him and vice verse. I believe him to be possibly the most handsome, smart, talented, compassionate human being on the face of the earth as I should, since he is MY Prince Charming. It doesn’t matter if anyone else does….he makes me not only complete, but BETTER just for being with him. Vomit? Possibly…..you have my permission.

So after committing myself to happy ever after, we all know I got to leave him once again for palm trees, beaches, and music. While I am a little worn out, but never ungrateful, for any of the said items, what has been AMAZING about this contract is how much more of myself I have found and how much love and happiness I have experienced on a ship I was drug to kicking and screaming. I KNEW I had friends here, but I have been (dare I say) blessed beyond all measure to not only have had my sweet, kind and wise beyond her years (not to mention the one who made the prophetic life prediction for me) friend, Katie here with me to hold my hand, I have made several other friends I will keep for life. My dear Lawrence has not only been a solid emotional rock that has taken a beating from exposing himself to his trio of emotionally flighty female friends (and we are forever grateful) but has also become a partner in artistic endeavors which will continue far past this contract as well as our friendship. My fiery English red head, Rosie, my adorable little room mate Pheona, Lauren, Jasmine, Justin, Liz, Josh (dancer and CD) and countless others made me feel for the first time in a while on a ship like I had a good solid FAMILY when I needed one more than I can describe. As I see it….it has been a perfect way to end out my time with Carnival.

Which leaves me here at the end of the year. I am ending one adventure which has brought me friends and experiences people can only imagine. During my time with Carnival, I have become a far better performer, musician, person and all around version of me than I ever could have had I stayed in Branson although it too brought me the people and experiences I needed at that time. I am moving on to a new chapter that will potentially be just as much, if not more, rewarding than the past few years have been. I will get to do what I love on land, in an amazing place every performer dreams of being at some point in their lives. Best of all, I will be closer to always being with the people I love and sharing those experiences with them and not from far away all the time. And I’m doing it all on the cusp of my 30^th birthday…..as much as I dread the big 3-0 I can honestly say I feel like a wiser, more well rounded, centered and even better looking and healthier person than I have ever been. And I am learning to not make as many apologies for the person I am and still becoming. I suppose in moving forward this blog will need a new name as there will no longer be ‘cruise diaries’ for a while. That is an amazing feeling……

Ever since I was a child I always loved bunnies….as everyone knows I love to this day…..and the year of the rabbit did NOT disappoint. Life is magical……

I already DID....and now off to Glory!!!!

Well that LAST one was fun wasn’t it!? Insert rolling eyes here…….ANYWAYS!

I leave again next week. Another Carnival Cruise Lines contract for 6 months this time out of New York City on the Carnival Glory doing 5 day cruises to the east coast of Canada then relocating by way of Bermuda to Miami to the east and west Caribbean again for the last part of the contract. WHEW! A good way to possibly bring my tangled web of a love affair with Carnival to an end. NOT to say that is in any way official of course….just saying this MIGHT be my last on the fun ships……we shall see. The future of anyone in entertainment always teeters on the edge of utter and total chaos….ooh the excitement!!! Speaking of excitement and chaos let’s recap my vacation and the “what we’ve learned” moment of this narrative.

So before I got back to land, unbeknownst to the general public, Chris and I had already plotted and schemed the whole marriage thing. We WERE going to go to the park with an officiant and two witnesses and then celebrate with a couple drinks afterward! All sounds lovely and romantic and easy right?? Chris’ mom got wind and the park got lit on fire. The ensuing craziness was enough to singe us a bit no doubt…..but we made it! I won’t spill gory details of family drama and wedding angst and stress. I said a million times through it all, at the end of the day I would be married to my favorite person in the world and that was what mattered. I think that mindset contributed to possibly the nicest, most relaxed wedding you could have asked for. Our DIY décor turned out beautifully, our humanist officiant was perfect in all ways, our attire was exactly what we had wanted, our cake design and cake topper I made looked amazing, the photographer was brilliant, our jazz band and duo at the ceremony were incredible……but a couple things in particular stand out in my mind from that day……

First off, I got a HUGE second chance in life with Chris. He found me after a pretty intense divorce and several disastrous relationships trying to mend those wounds. I hated myself and didn’t trust many people around me and did not want to be involved again. So of course coincidence dropped him, just coming out of a long and broken relationship as well himself, into my lap at that moment….without me realizing how much I needed him in so many ways. Long story short…..here we are two years later after much craziness and falling so crazy head over heels I can’t even describe. I could go on and gush about him more than I do already but let’s go back to the wedding……

Chris pulled one of his super amazing he’s a wonderful person stunts by conspiring with my best friend since childhood, Caleb, and had him show up on the doorstep for our day. Having the 2 most pivotal people in my life in the same place at the same time was such an amazing feeling of pure happiness I can’t even describe. Caleb has been the person to stand by me in almost everything in my life and to have him there to meet the RIGHT guy for me to be with and for them to get along like they did and have SO much fun was magical. He helped me decorate the wedding site and spent the day with me helping keep calm and collected, helped me get ready in my suite at the hotel, walked me to go see Chris before the ceremony and tore down most of the décor so I would not have to worry about it. But I think my favorite moment (and the video posted earlier is yes, the inspiration for this blog) was supposed to be another surprise, only I caught on after finding the chord sheet, that Caleb had been given a copy of ‘our song’ to learn and play for our first dance. It’s a tune by Jason Robert Brown called “Someone to Fall Back On” and while that title may raise an eyebrow, if you actually LISTEN to the lyrics they are so profound and sweet and heartfelt and intelligent it brings tears with every play. So to have my best friend (who is a incredibly naturally gifted performer and recording artist..check him out!!!) playing a song for my wedding to the one person I should be with and having him there for such an amazing moment and being PART of it was humbling for me. At the usual end of the song, he threw in a joke that even Chris knew about…but no one else. Growing up together and doing music all our lives, I always teased Caleb for his overuse of a musical device called ‘modulating’ on many of his songs ESPECIALLY the gospel genre of which he is most well known for and out of no where in his brilliantly arranged version of our song, modulates up in true Caleb form and starts a revival style riffed version of the chorus. Chris and I were pulled out of tears of happiness in that moment to pure joyous laughter that NO one could understand in that room. It was this perfect moment shared for me with my two favorite people….worth all the hassle and stress and tears and fights getting to that moment.

We never wanted a ‘ceremony’ per se in all this….to us, honestly marriage is a document. I know what it takes to tear that document up…it means nothing, except to us a way for us to work in each others countries and keep yet another barrier out of our way of being together always which IS our choice. Our document says we were legally married on July 9^th 2011. We made our CHOICE to be together on June 11^th 2009 and that is the anniversary date we choose to keep. Our humanist officiant Martin put it SO perfectly for us in a part of the ceremony (which we kept short for this very reason)

“The words that will be spoken here today are significant, though they are not what joined these two. Nor is it this ceremony. For we are not here to mark the start of their lives together but to recognize a partnership that already exists. We have gathered so that Alison and Chris might bear witness before us to the love that has grown between them.”

He got choked up after reading that part. He was amazing. And because there WERE so many amazing moments like that I am glad we had one hell of a nice party! Another favorite moment was WAY after it was all done. The family had gone and décor had been torn down. We walked outside and one table was still inhabited with just our closest friends. A few almost dead candles were lit and the garden table was littered with beer bottles, cocktail glasses and partially smoked cigars as well as a few other odds and ends. I looked around the table with my best friend and ‘husband’ and felt nothing but gratitude sitting in that garden with so many other wonderful people until they had to throw us out. It’s funny, even now after all of it I don’t feel ANY different about him than I did before. It did reaffirm the fact that I DO want to spend my life with him. He makes me happier than I can describe which is why next week has come WAY too quickly for me. I’ve loved being with him again for even this short time. I have loved getting my artwork back in swing this vacation, I have loved exploring the city more and learning the subways and buses and experiencing city life even further enough to know I can live without it! I have loved singing and playing piano and cuddling on the couch with movies and the fabulous amazing weekend trip to cottage country on the lake. It’s all been a whirlwind and all been wonderful. I love my life and my friends and family and especially my wonderful man Chris. I say it all the time but I think the people who know me best and know my past can attest to how much that really means. I am so lucky. And as much as you will hear me gripe and whine and complain the next 6 months which I will TRY not to do as much, I LOVE my job. Oh my goodness performing music on a cruise ship is a fabulous job!!! I hope I can do it for longer. We’ll see. Off to the Carnival Glory….hopefully the name will become a happy irony in the near future!

Officially OUT of the closet.....and the one more people love to hate at that!!

It’s been a while since I posted. I planned on posting right after I got done and got back to land….but you know how life goes.

I can say I am nothing but THRILLED to be back with Chris. This time more so than others I have needed some sort of normal land life. I loved the Destiny and the people no doubt, but there were more than a fair share of times I got sucked into the “bubble” of ship life and struggled to not lose myself in it. I think for the most part I did a good job….despite the fact that sometimes that made me feel like an outsider. I got over that feeling pretty quickly though after leaving and being back with one of the main people who makes me feel special, normal, like I “belong” somewhere. It reminds me why I DO try and stay grounded and not continue my entrapment once back on land. The bubble popped pretty quickly……I hope I can maintain that feeling when I head off to the Glory in August….

I could go on about how excited I am to get married….but what people don’t realize is that Chris and I decided to do it a long time ago! We just left everyone in the dark…..we really wanted it to just be about “us”. We hate the idea that marriage has to be about everyone else and be such a ceremonious show and perhaps a big way of “proving” our love to each other…..as if surviving months and months apart without collapse has not proven that! Our original plan was to go to a park, quietly with 2 witnesses and just get it done for US. We decided to let at least immediate family know just so it wouldn’t come as a shock, and while my family took it in stride, Chris’ did not so much. And here begins my real rant. My rant extends to every perspective of my life these days…..it’s infiltrated my family, the way I communicate with friends, my work colleagues, the people I perform for and the world in general for me and now in the most recent of events, MY marriage. (I say that as I have quickly found that it apparently does not solely belong to ME at this moment and time) The thing that has my heart and brain twisted and confused and at most times highly frustrated is religion. I just HEARD you cringe……NO one like this subject ESPECIALLY with me! And that is one of the things I have come to feel I need addressed publicly in my life…so here you go…..me candid much? Nah……

For the Readers Digest (and not to lose the important aspects here) I was born and raised strict Mormon. For those who think I am some spiritually and religiously uneducated heathen, you are highly misinformed. My mother came from a Catholic upbringing and converted at a young age and my father devout LDS. So I got an education on 2 very largely powerful Christian faiths. I am not devoid of religious doctrine by ANY means.

To put a very painfully long story short…I left all of it. I will get to what I do “believe” in just a bit so you get to wait for it before you start your mud slinging!!!! Chris has a lot of the same story as I do only coming from a mainly Catholic background….possibly more strict and devout than my Mormon upbringing. He was even an alter/choir boy going to a private Catholic boys school….creepy…..I know. To put HIS long story short…..he left all of it. To ADD to that story…..his mother to this day does NOT accept that fact……which is where we get to my marriage situation.

Without slinging mud of my own at Chris’ mother…..we have basically been forced into a very tight corner given ultimatums on marrying in a “proper” ceremony or our marriage will be invalid…..in THEIR eyes. That’s only the tip of the iceberg but letting ALL the family drama out in the open to me, is slightly unnecessary. But to avoid making Chris live the rest of his life being shunned by his mother, we agreed to do things MOSTLY her way. It has been a long haul to say the least…..with many tears and fights involved and a constant battle to not feel like our personal beliefs have been beaten into submission and taken away…..IRONICALLY though, in an amazing twist of fate, due to his own mother’s fault, and ANOTHER long story short, the ACTUAL ceremony will be performed not in a church, but outside, and NOT by any minister or priest of any religious affiliation but by a humanist officiant who happens to be a man…who is married to another man….and there will not be a single mention of god nor any sort of prayer in our ceremony. And the circumstance being what it is….Chris’ mother can’t fight it one bit. Like I said….sometimes karma makes me smile. But there is another side to all this that has been eating at me lately that I need to get off my chest.

Being that I was brought up in such a strict religious environment and knowing the reaction I am sure to be getting at this point in most readers eyes, I have kept a lot of this to myself. Not having any religious belief or affiliation can lead to a lot of isolated feelings and fear of public and social ostracism that not a lot of people can fully understand. I have always made the joke that the worst possible person to be would be a gay, racial minority atheist. You would be SCREWED socially and maybe more so for the atheism thing than the others……

Racial and sexual minorities I notice in the press these days are having more and more of a voice (ok, a HUGE voice let’s just be honest) and are being heard….a lot for the most part! I love that. I love that people are slowly coming out of their ignorant bubbles and seeing that the world is much more colorful and vibrant for difference than it is without. But one thing remains to stay slightly the same and that is the fact that as soon as the subject of religion or lack there of is raised, you may as well dig your self a hole and hand someone a gun. Game over. NBC recently took “One nation under god” out of the Pledge of Allegiance and were almost burned at the stake. Well….what about the rest of us? I certainly don’t believe I live in a nation “under god”. So where do MY rights come in here? You can’t have a president who has no religious affiliation or ANY sort of public figure for that matter, artist, sports figure, performer, etc etc etc You CAN however, advertise religion, god, scriptures, church, ANYWHERE you want, don’t mind the separation of church and state there IS none, and for those of us who do NOT believe the same…..we sit in quiet for the most part. I see friends of mine put up links about Pride fundraisers, or some sort of racial history celebration or link bible verse to their status on facebook and get support from everywhere (for the most part…there will ALWAYS be haters to any cause) I still exist in fear of repercussions of such an act REALLY supporting who I am and what I believe. If I say ANYTHING to the contrary of believing in god, I get immediately berated by people who despite possible good intentions, end up berating me for my lack of belief, tell me what I ACTUALLY believe in my HEART (WHAT?) tell me I could not possibly be a good person for my lack of faith, tell me I am misinformed, I am lost, I am not “whole” without the “savior” in my life…..and all this dumbfounds me. And for that….I am silenced. So then here I sit….I see videos go up praising Jesus and reminding me of “His” influence in someone’s life….I see people talk about church activities, hear preachy bible verses, and I have to sit silently for fear of being told I am “wrong” . I would never tell those people what they thought was “wrong” . or make them feel less for it, but I can’t post a video on what I personally believe in MY world to be true. I can’t post a HEY EVERYONE HERE”S A GREAT VIDEO ON WHAT I BELIEVE AND WHAT MAKES MY WORLD TURN AND MAKES ME A HAPPY WELL ROUNDED PERSON or even something to help maybe just understand where I am coming from better because the people who are the lord’s faithful advertisements would get upset. I can’t post something or share something that upsets me when people who share the same ideas are socially ridiculed and torn down by mainstream Christianity because somehow they would be RIGHT for fighting for their religious freedom….what about MY right to freedom FROM religion? I can’t even debate it much because who can debate “I just have faith and that’s the end of it” while being told of course I am wrong.

It hurts. It hurts me just as much as any race, creed, sexual orientation, even religion or ANY group of people hurt when the world, society, and worse their friends and family tell them who they are or what they believe is wrong and that THEY know better what they should or should not do with their lives or what they should or should not believe. It’s unfortunate. It’s unfortunate that due to this mentality I have to sit a lot in silence knowing how much my lifestyle is thoroughly frowned upon and hating the idea that I disappoint friends or family. It’s unfortunate I LET people make me feel bad or wrong for being me and being HAPPY for being the way I am! And it’s unfortunate that I have to give up those pieces of me sometimes to let people in my life stay there just because they can’t open their minds to see I AM happy and that how I live my life is good for ME. I don’t say that how I live my life is best for everyone…….and that is probably my biggest point. I am not going to say STOP believing in Jesus and advertising that fact or stop being proud or sharing things that make YOU happy! BE HAPPY!!! It’s wonderful when you find something in this world that enlightens you and moves you and makes you a GOOD person. That being said, I do not find it ok to use what makes YOU happy to tear down what makes someone ELSE happy.

So that all being said, I am not necessarily an atheist, but I do NOT believe in god. I do NOT believe there is one all powerful being in the sky judging me and rewarding me or anything of that nature. THERE! I said it plain and simple! I believe that I make my own destiny and that I alone am responsible for my OWN happiness and I alone am responsible for making choices everyday that can influence myself and others to do better in this life and find happiness in this life. I don’t think I am “right” on everything. I don’t have answers…no one does. BUT I refuse to feel BAD about myself for being happy with me (it’s taken a LONG time to get to this place folks) and for finally making some choices in my life that better define the sort of person I want to continue improving on. If that makes me “wrong” in someone’s eyes….so be it. “De-friend” me…ignore me….whatever. DON’T try and take my happiness away because you won’t do it…as Chris’ mother has found out…because I DO believe in karma….reaping what you sow, and when I marry Chris in front of a bunch of people (who I could care LESS what they think of my relationship) , and when that humanist makes us “legal” for all intents and purposes…(you can let that validate us however you want), there will be NO mention of “god” in that ceremony and I do believe that is karma working in OUR favor. I KNOW where I stand with myself and with the people who love me most and that is what’s important. And that should be what matters to everyone, it shouldn’t be about being “right” or not. As my tattoo eloquently puts and I remind myself of every day…..”There is nothing good or bad….only thinking makes it so”…….may you all find happiness with whatever YOU choose in life.

Annnnnnnd SCENE!!!

2 days….WHAAAAAT?!??!? 2 days and I am DONE. 6 months of my life if over and another ship chapter closes….kind of….I guess……..this is always an interesting experience. Summing up a contract and reflecting is always hard especially when it’s one away from the person you love.

I came here to the Carnival Destiny (The Death Star) 6 months ago a crying, emotional, vomiting MESS. Literally….if you didn’t read my first blog right when I got here I was literally throwing my guts up the night before I landed in Miami over just not wanting to leave Chris. I obviously survived. When I start a contract I tell myself “remember THIS moment…6 months from now it will have flown by and you will remember right NOW being so miserable and you’ll have been ok regardless….” I remember that moment right now. I did make it and I have been MORE than ok. Yes there were some big bumps in the road as there always are. I once again cursed Christmas and all that it stands for in a miserable broken down tantrum, I curled up numerous times in balls of tears when I missed Chris so much I could not handle it, I got glass thrown at me, I got migraines so intense there was MORE vomiting, I got mad at people I worked with and mad at stupid rude guests and finally ripped Piano Man from it’s comfy home in my music books forever. The world heard me roar a few times….I will be honest. I am not perfect and I do not handle things perfectly. But I handled them.

I will not remember this contract for the crap though. I came to this ship and subconsciously promised myself I would make the most of it. I would find parts of myself I had forgotten and do things I was passionate about and extend myself and make new friends and try and love as much as I could instead of feeling anger at the circumstance. I vowed to give the guests more of a break than I usually do and not get so worked up as I have in the past. I did pretty well everything I set out to do. I went back to painting and drawing and discovered my original passion. It seems to have gone over well and I will admit to being proud of my work. I love having multiple things in the arts to fall on. I got back to practicing controlling my emotions through meditating and relaxing as much as I could….it didn’t always work but I was in a MUCH better place so some good came out of it. I met some of the best people I have ever met on ships as well as strengthening old friendships. I got to see other friends from other contracts who docked with us which kept my mind occupied and gave me lots to look forward in ports. I got visits from my wonderful man and his friends, I got a cruise with my best friend who I have not seen in forever and loved having time with him, I got to show my mom what I do nowadays and give her a nice time as well as my little brother. I lived by my own rules and never did anything I didn’t feel like or compromise myself for anyone in any way. I was kinder to guests and never let them make me cry for being rude or ignorant which was a HUGE thing for me. I read books and made vision boards and gave holiday gifts and attended parties. I saw old places I love and went to new ones….Key West is a new favorite not to mention the incredible psychic experience I had there. I hope every prediction she made comes true….she nailed my personal life down to a “t” so let’s hope everything else is rock solid as well! My future is a sunny place according to her and I am ready for happy stuff!!

And now it’s good bye time. I truly love some of the people I have found connections with here. I will miss my sweet friend Ali who held my hand numerous times when I fell apart and gave me more encouragement than I could have asked for. I will miss Cory and Nick and their antics and sharing afternoons having “chinka chinka time” painting with Nick and being music theatre geeks. I will miss Alan the Scottish light tech and his ridiculous British shows and sweet helpful gestures of hugs and ginger ales when migraines struck. I will miss pretty much this entire team…..the dancers, the hosts, musicians, my AMAZING room mate Jocelyn and her consistent digs at me, her pickle addiction, her tribal dancing and her hatred of being hugged. She got the WRONG room mate! I will miss my music director Eddie harassing me and telling me whenever he can what method he is going to use when he fires me. Nothing like positive reinforcement! I will miss SO much my break dancer boys…..Wish, Age and AK. I have met a lot of people on ships and they have been some of the most genuine and “real” people as you can find in entertainment and I had a BLAST with them. I have had SO many good experiences….not even the “I went swimming with dolphins today” sort of experiences (or the I got to be on stage with one of the NKOTB! Lol….loved it admittedly) but more the kind that make you a better person for having them. I am GRATEFUL for this contract. I LOVE my life I really honestly do. I have started to really love being “me” as well and being without Chris and having to rely on “me” quite a bit has helped me find things in myself I did not realize were there. I am a stronger and more confident person I feel for this contract. I have already been offered my next ship….the Glory, a nice big Conquest class out of NYC!!! I am going there with one of my VERY best friends Katie Schultz and if I can’t be there with Chris, I am THRILLED to get to spend SO much quality time with one of my favorite people in the world! I am a lucky girl indeed. SO….6 months of living, working, eating, and playing with these people. In 2 days I leave…..as much as I will miss them and as thoroughly grateful as I am for everything I have gained here….it’s more than time for me to go. 2 months with my man and I could not be more excited……life can only get more beautiful and I am ready for it!

The Grateful List

Well, since the doozy of one mass amount of emotional vomit that last blog was….I decided to change it up QUITE a bit today. Just for the record I am hardly ever the doom and gloom person. Another thing my psychic told me was the fact that I do a good job putting a smile on my face so no one knows if I am upset….I concur.

I do a lot of reading of “self help” books. I am actually all about figuring yourself out without the help of outside sources telling you how you should and shouldn’t be….which kind of eliminates the idea of self help books cause and in that case I shouldn’t need them….oh well. Everyone can use some inspiration. Whatever the case, most of them say the same thing….find everything in your life you are grateful for. Remind yourself daily…or make a LIST!!! Mental lists are good….but written are better. Feeling grateful for things boosts you mood insane amounts…..SO without further rambling than I am ABOUT to do….here is a list of some of the things that have been scrolling through my mind lately that make me happy and grateful on a daily basis.

Let’s get it out of the way….even though it’s not FIRST…you know it’s coming…..bunnies. There I said it…..they just make me HAPPY. Like babbling, giggly, stupid sort of happy that inspire artwork and acts of giving on my behalf that maybe wouldn’t normally happen otherwise. They have brought on numerous inside jokes between me and Chris and given those around me something to associate me with and laugh about with me. I have been in love with them since a kid and they don’t seem to be gong anywhere anytime soon.

I am grateful every single day and take at least SOME time each day to remind myself of the fact that I LOVE what I do and have done for a living. Holy crap!! I look at my life and realize that even as a kid I was using visualization to get me where I wanted in life. It’s not been easy and not always perfect, but wow…..I am grateful that I have spent the bulk of my adult life being paid to perform. I have sang, danced, written, choreographed, acted, played music and done it without a student loan. In addition, I am also grateful for everyone who told me I COULDN’T do any of it…..and there have been a LOT of those people in my life. It makes it all the more gratifying with every little triumph…even at the most basic. Between that and how hard I have had to work at all of it, I take nothing for granted that I get to do. THAT my friends, is something worth being happy and thankful for.

I am grateful for the people in my life. My family is for all intents and purposes INSANE. Not gonna lie….BUT they helped shape me good and bad for what I am today. And my CLOSE friends are phenomenal. I honestly have some of the best BEST friends anyone could have. They are such real, unconditional and honest human beings. I am so proud of them and to have them in my life. Even the ones who have flitted in and out have been amazing. I love watching what people in my life do with their lives on a daily basis…the choices they make and the things they do with themselves. It’s all so inspiring. I have met so many colorful and vibrant people in my life I am astounded sometimes at the variations of personalities and influences in people in this world. It’s fascinating and amazing to me……

Believe it or not, I am grateful for my religious upbringing. It gave me a foundation of basics morals I think I needed as a young person (even though now I KNOW it’s fully possible to acquire that WITHOUT religion). Also, when it came time in my life to figure out who I AM without the influence of others and really really think and research and soul search on how I actually felt about things and what I really thought….it was nice to have both sides of the coin. I appreciate the people in my life who ARE religious who still accept and love me. Contrary to popular belief, giving up religion does not change you, I am still ME if not MORE so…..just without something in my life I feel is absolutely unnecessary. I love the opportunity to try to be an example to others that you can be a good person on your OWN and not have anything hanging over your head that makes you feel obligated to love and serve others. And above all else be so free and so happy and fulfilled in life it actually takes my breath away some days……in fact….I am grateful for religion for that fact, that I now know how it feels to live without it and what an AMAZING and freeing feeling that is.

I am always grateful for all arts….this goes along with loving what I do, but goodness…..I stop and just appreciate them ALL the time. I LOVE being surrounded by performers especially the ones who love what they do and do it because of that. I love music and art and dance and writing and designing and just CREATING from your heart and I love love love watching others find that in themselves or even better inspiring others to find that in themselves. When I have anyone asks if they can come paint with me, or if I will teach them to play a song or whatever…..I swell up inside with happiness that someone opened themselves up to ART!!! I love it. It truly is my passion and calling in this world. I hope one of the psychics predictions that I would always do what I love for a living and make money at it is true….I can’t see anything else for myself.

Finally, of course there would not be a list without my Chrisopher Blair involved. Oh my……I keep a picture of the two of us on the front of one of my music books. If I am ever having a “moment” at work….I make sure and have it within eye sight and I am immediately filled with love and gratitude for the best thing to ever happen to me. I am one who can truly appreciate what real, unconditional, selfless love is. Those who know me best know I have had it rough and have made some horrible decisions in love in my life and finally, this is the person that is RIGHT. He showed up in the exact place and time when he needed to. We have never had it easy maintaining what we have, BUT something as amazing as what I have with this man is worth EVERY little set back or professional hiccup or cultural barrier (yes Canada is NOT another state in America….). No one in this world loves me for who I am like him. There is no one I have more fun with, am more comfortable around, who makes me laugh as much or feel as deeply. I want to be a better person every single day for his example as a human being. I am so lucky to have something people desperately want or search their entire lives for and sometimes never find. I want to live as long as possible if nothing else, just to spend more time with him. He, for all intents and purposes, completes me.

As for the little things, a quick list….Ice Breaker Mints, Red Bull, Sushi (all you can eat is the best kind) any and ALL animals, good bbq in moderation, travel, good books, hair dryers, a loaded make up bag, Forever 21, photo shop, 8 minute abs and 8 minute buns (because I am the LAZIEST gym person ever….16 minutes is QUITE enough!!), Tim Burton movies, orange kool aide (oh god I NEED some now!!) and a fully stocked vaporizer (there….go ahead and JUDGE!!!! I just don’t care!! Lol!) I am SO happy I did this!!!! Not even the drunks at my stage can take away any of this from me......which gives me one more thing on the list! ;)

A day in the "life"....blow by blow.

I did not drink Red Bull today. There is your first clue that I am a mild disaster. Red Bull withdrawal in my head can lead to a massive case of nastiness….BUT emotional torment as it were can ALSO lead to self insight….which I am trying to do more of and open up that elusive third eye as well as my right brain and get more out of my life these days. So today’s insight’s were of course, marred by my lack of extreme amounts of caffeine but I had some good ones nonetheless which lead to by the end of my night going hhhmmmm…..I need to document this day. This is a DAY…like a real, raw, I am not stopping my brain from feeling ups and downs and putting my normal positive spin on everything sort of day. I looked everything up one side and down the other and let myself really feel and looked at my surroundings and the people who influence them and the actual insanity that IS my day to day life. I actually stopped today and went THIS is my reality….daaaaammmnnn……….so here’s my day….and it’s kind of the norm in a lot of ways, others not so much…but if this were ever to turn into that “gossip” column I once mentioned it would be a little more honest like this…..and my apologies to the people who will remain nameless BUT will go mentioned in their influence today. It’s just how it is….from MY perspective….nothing personal….blame it on the withdrawal….here we go………..

First things first….I woke up in my tiny (even though for crew cabins, my is exceptionally large…but to world standards I live in a closet) cabin to a random person opening my door and poking their head in…..my brain adjusted for a moment and quickly thought…if I were on land, this would be cause for me to throw something at this intruder or club him with the nearest blunt object. Nope. Not in my world. This little Indonesian who barely spoke English had been, unbeknownst to me, called to fix a fault in our door……I mean, never mind it obviously doesn’t keep out the random Indonesian with a key that unlocks every door….but whatever. Door fixed….shower time. My bathroom is even smaller than you’re a normal walk in closet. But it does the job. I have to be quiet when I exit since the roomie is still in bed to which I think to myself…..”WHY are you still in bed at 11 and forcing me to try and be quiet and feel guilty for drying my hair??? WHY am I even thinking I SHOULD feel guilty to dry my hair???” Of course it’s not her fault….if I could have slept past 11 I would have to. By the time the hair is dry and make up is on and I am feeling WAY too over dressed to be playing a lunch time set all I can think of is “I need a Red Bull”…..and unfortunately as I pointed out….I don’t get one. Well crap.

My first piano set of the day is in the formal dining room. And it annoys the hell out of me. There is nothing more useless than playing for rednecks who are eating. What further annoys me is my right wrist back to giving me grief even AFTER surgery last year. Fabulous. Guess who is playing lunch for the passive rednecks in a wrist brace??? I take a break 45 minutes in and go sit at a back table next to a window overlooking the very back of the ship where it’s pretty well just me, my book (my daily read is always The Power just for that morale boost I try and give myself to keep things in perspective) and a stunning view of the ocean. This is the sort of moment where I stop and take it all in and really revel in whet I do. What’s everyone elses’ view on their break in the world? Probably not ocean that spans for miles on end in the sunshine and probably not on a cruise ship where they are getting to do something they love. 15 minutes of positive reflection and back at it….today was a good day as far as really enjoying the act of playing the piano. Despite the brace I AM grateful to even have use of my hands after my ordeal. I finish and head back to my room for a few before my classical hour.

I check my email and facebook which is what Chris and I use mainly as our source of communication. It’s not good news. His grandfather is in the ICU in Toronto and things are not looking bright for his outcome. Chris is bravely optimistic in the fact that he knows his grandfather has not been happy the past couple years since his wife passed….but both of us leaning towards being atheist, we feel a bit bad that he’s probably hoping for that “reunion” we’re pretty sure he’s not going to get…..but what has me irked at this moment is the fact that I can’t be there. I don’t get to be around for much in my lifestyle. I missed my brother’s wedding, I miss holidays ALL the time, birthdays, family trips, I miss watching Chris do gigs or simple things like going on a Friday night date or in some cases I miss family drama. I was not around for my dad’s sudden life threatening illness recently and was not around for my mother’s outstanding good news which I STILL can’t share as it’s a bit personal, BUT these are the things I give up and today it pissed me right off. But I gracefully wrote the best “wish I could be there” sort of mindless crap you come up with in that moment and then headed back out.

I stopped in the hallway at a friend’s room and told him where I was going…..he said he’d come watch….although I knew watching me play was not necessarily the motivation so much as the finger foods served at the more formal set I was about to play. Oh well. Playing classical music at tea time is one of my simpler joys in life on ships playing the piano. It’s one of the things I feel I do pretty well at. I couldn’t help though, as usual, but get irked with the fact that people don’t “get it” when it comes to that setting and that sort of music. Hence the gentleman who mid set asked “ Do you have any Scott Joplin?” to which I said “No sir, just classical for this hour” and confused, he replied “But that IS a ‘classic”. Sigh…..done set two and I dropped off my books at my normal playing spot, the lobby stage. I love and hate that stage….you are at the center of everything….but you’re at the center of everything. I can’t suck, but I can’t be great either cause it seems no matter what I do no one seems to CARE…..but I will get to that later.

I came back to my hallway. Everyone in entertainment lives “backstage”. Literally. You walk backstage in the theatre, and come out into a small corridor where everyone shares a room with someone else in entertainment. Musicians, dancers, technicians, entertainment hosts all live what sometimes feels like it’s on top of each other but today is one of those days I am feeling mildly alone in my lifestyle frustrations. I am missing Chris terribly today, I am getting over the flu, I am hugely artistically unsatisfied with my career at present and I am in desperate need of some “normal” or at least someone I feel like I can trust to vent to who GETS me. Those are so few and far between and I find myself aching for the people who love and understand me MOST. I got to see one of those yesterday on a ship we dock with in Grand Turk. I sat outside on the pier waiting for one of my bests Katie Schultz to get herself out side and thought, it’s so NICE to almost regularly see and talk to someone who just understands me…just gets me completely and loves me to death and it makes me feel SAFE. In that moment today glancing up and down my hall, I in no way felt emotionally “safe” to talk to anyone. Not that the people here are not good people….they are wonderful….but as Katie said, you do not CHOOSE any of them. They are chosen for you and the only choice you have is whether or not to get along with them and see what happens from there. So far, I could knock on any door in the hallway and get a friendly hello and maybe a hug or a few minutes of laughs, but today I am feeling that need for something a little less 2 dimensional than that. I will have to go without it seems. I hate that when I feel like I have to just “settle” and go about my life. The psychic I visited last week (who blew my mind btw) told me I have been doing and EXCELLENT job of keeping a big smile on my face when so many things in my life seem out of place and I feel like I have much to worry about. This is very true lately….BUT she said I shouldn’t worry….because at least according to her, my life is about to sort itself out in a very satisfactory way. We’ll see. Sullen, brooding break over and off to pre-dinner set number 1.

The lobby is dead. I accidentally break my mic stand and softly curse under my breath in frustration. The new sound set up has been SUCH a luxury lately as pounding the snot out of the ridiculous Yamaha baby grand is not as necessary with the mic. Luckily, with the emptiness of the lobby it really doesn’t matter and I play to 45 minutes of unending apathy from the pre dinner zombies. And out again for another break. I check emails again. Nothing from Chris on an update, nothing from my family, and nothing from my boss in Miami who I am waiting to hear from which frustrates me. He had offered me a short contract on another ship instead of the extension I had wanted on this one….only problem was the ship was musically directed by my arch nemesis and sworn enemy…the same man who made it necessary for me to go under the knife to fix raging carpel tunnel which I still suffer pain from. No deal and I politely declined and asked for more options (as my boss seems to give me amazing options and has always been great at working with me) to which I have not received a reply. I hope I have not offended him and am being given the good old scare tactic of silence just to make me rethink my decision…..awesome. One more thing on today’s list of reasons why I need a Red Bull and honestly, the only reason one was NOT purchased was my funds were low on my ship card and I was too lazy to get to the atm and put more cash on…..which I probably would have done so if a Red Bull had been available before hand….oh the circle.

I head to my last set. I have picked up a new mic stand from my fabulous music director Eddie and I set it up….yay! Amplified sound!!!! The lobby is PACKED this time. I am feeling slightly stoked an pull out all the impressive stuff and love feeling the rumble as the mic picks up the bass keys in some of my hardest pieces. Unfortunately the audience is NOT feeling my enthusiasm for what I am doing and the throng of noisy drunk people gets louder, I continue to compete for some sort of recognition, and then my caffeine deprived brain comes to a screeching halt. One of my bar waitresses at the stage’s adjoining bar looks up at me and says (jokingly) “Maybe if you played it right they would clap!” She is fully kidding of course as she does a lot with me but in MY momentarily dramatic brain I think, maybe she’s right….maybe this is just all crap….maybe I’m sitting here beating myself over the head performing my heart out for people who don’t care, living with people who don’t understand me for the most part, and not being with Chris when he needs me and what the hell is it all for????? One of the luxuries you do NOT get as a performer is when these moments of mental anguish creep up on you, you can’t run away, so I jokingly shot back at the bar tender and continued played…..with tears in my eyes and a huge lump in my throat that felt like it was going no where fast. Both my girls at the bar see it in my face….it’s not been a good one. They look at the clock and say “Don’t worry Alison…you’re almost there. Hang in there!” I smile a take a deep breath and despite the lack of enthusiasm from the audience I finish out my set with my best so I can feel like I did everything in my power to perform at my best and I am done. I lock the piano, grab my stack of miserably heavy books and trudge backstage.

The dancers are taking a break from their first show and one jokingly says “How about you go take my place this one Alison” and I feel my heart drop again. EVERYONE knows I want to be singing and dancing again and everyone knows Chris and I have demos out EVERYWHERE and are just waiting for someone to give us an offer (it’s not been THAT long in the world of waiting….waiting just sucks) and that I am doing my best to keep my spirits up in my situation, so much so that I forgot to hold my tongue when a cast member complained about having to do shows and I may have been a little too forward on the fact she should be grateful for what she is doing when there are people who need and want a job right now……she is sitting on the stairs now, staring at me, mouth closed this time probably in fear of another attack…..for which I feel bad for. There are just some days when I can’t handle being here without Chris and not knowing what the future has in store. Once again it all hits home and I take my books back to my room.

My room mate is heading out to work the second show and I have a few moments to just breathe and contemplate my day. I check my facebook and emails….which I am paying for minute by minute on the ship and it is not cheap. Nothing from anyone again. Maybe I’ll talk to Chris later….but he may be going out for drinks with friends and while I am happy he has his support system I can’t help but hurt a bit that he is kind of mine at this moment in this place and I need some support tonight…..It’s just been one of those days. Tomorrow there WILL be a Red Bull……and everything will look brighter.

"Family" matters.

Wow it's been SO long since I have posted!! Sorry for this! I need more "followers" on here! If you have a google account do me a favor and follow this! Just so I look popular...haha......anyways!

I haven't written in a while I think because I have been pretty happy all things considered. I have been taking enormous stock in keeping a positive outlook on everything even though circumstance may not be "perfect" it's pretty darn good.

Chris came to visit for 10 days end of last month and it was so needed. I never realize how much I miss him until I see him again and then of course when he leaves....I will admit, I went a little "dark" for a bit. Holed up in my room and refused to talk or socialize much and pretty well hate the world as I stuffed whatever food I could down my throat. Not the best of ideas, but whatever gets you through right? I got through....I always seem to. I have an army of amazing support though. My mom wrote me the other say and referred to some people I don't even know as "family" that she wants me to meet. She and my brother are coming to cruise next week which should be interesting as well as fun....anyways, I have never met these people and wrote back referring to "her family members" which seemed to irk her a bit as she pointed out our extreme lack of living blood relatives (odd for a primarily "Mormon" and "Catholic" family I know..) and that I should want to have relationships with them. Which made me think a bit about what I consider family.....

I have had a massively unconventional life all things considered. I come from a very broken home and dysfunction to say the least then leaving to pursue a career in entertainment and falling into a bad marriage, divorce etc etc and it doesn't get weirder than this life I have to say. Along the way I have met a LOT of random people. And along the way I have been in a LOT of intense situations some not very appealing or that I am very proud of admittedly. There have been a lot of people in my life who have not been able to "handle" me in my moments of insanity or poor decisions.....and at times even my "blood" has questioned and been thrown by my choices in life almost to moments of where I question if I may lose a relationships "health" altogether. It throws you in those moments. Especially given the emotional person I am it REALLY makes me step back and re-evaluate what I consider "family" in my life and how much support really DOES mean to me especially with the crazy twists and turns my life has taken.

First off, anyone that can stick with you through thick and thin and still love you no matter what stupid things you do is more than unconditional love and "family" in my book. Having people I know I can shoot a quick message to for a favor or for a shoulder to cry on at it's most basic is worth more than I can describe. Feeling as isolated as I can in my life and having people I feel safe sharing those moments with or knowing I can cry in front of or rant around, or make dumb decisions and know it won't matter is amazing. Some have been around longer than others of course, and some have fallen into and out of my life but I am always grateful for them. Of course the people who not only support the crap, but make me laugh, smile and keep my morale up and keep me going are usually the ones who best put up with me as well...... there aren't really words for how much I appreciate it. Honestly, when I try and put it down I can't do describing it justice. I guess when you are constantly being put in so many new, different and sometimes alien situations as I get put in, it gives you a perspective you wouldn't have otherwise. I look at people who stay in their hometowns near every family member and I think of COURSE it would be easy to consider them your best friend and have close family ties and such, but I was dealt very different cards and a very different mind frame and so for me it's just different. Of course I love my family members who have proven it's not just about our genetics that ties us together. But for me, it's been the people who have gone above and beyond regardless of genetics, but just because they sincerely love me and would do whatever they could for me regardless of where I am or what I have done or am doing.

In a nutshell, I am very grateful for this life I lead and the people it puts in it. I would never have met my amazing man if I were not this crazy person....I would not have a lot of the friends I do that I DO consider my family. I would not know which family members love me unconditionally and not just because we happen to have the same DNA. I love my multi-cultural melting pot of amazing people in my life who make me challenge myself, want to be better, want to love more, look at the bigger picture, give of myself, and love myself more at the end of the day for what I get to go through and experience. I always consider myself a lucky girl.......and I love another opportunity to remind myself of that.

Answers to the "why"

My head is pounding….I mean POUN-DING. I have had an on/off migraine for over a week now and it does NOT seem to be letting up. It’s hard to keep one’s morale up when you can’t even see straight…but I’m trying. After all the holidays ARE over which is the BEST news in weeks….that sounds REALLY sad, I mean who is this happy when the holidays are over?

Being here alone (meaning without Chris…I have some wonderful friends here) takes it’s toll every now and then. The holidays and my birthday were especially rough, but I did make the most of it even with a slight meltdown on Christmas. The guests aren’t helping much either….they’re loud, drunk and still stupidly obnoxious as can be for the most part and it takes a LOT of the joy out of performing, I’m not gonna lie. And it also does not help with this silly headache garbage going on AND the fact that my wrists are acting up again…painfully so. That frightens me to say the least. I sometimes wonder if there just wasn’t permanent damage done the first time around that will never be quite fixed which makes my career future shaky at best unless Chris and I get work elsewhere which we are TRYING to do but no luck as of yet…and this recent development makes it a little on the urgent side to figure things out. Ugh… So it leads me to start questioning myself…WHY am I doing this to myself? It all seems very futile sometimes doesn’t it??

My senior year in high school, I had a final I had to take in my acting class. My teacher was a quirky, huge, red haired half Indian who always wore sunglasses to protect his light sensitive eyes. He was a big teddy bear all things considered…..anyways…..our final was an essay. No monologues or speeches or miming or performing of any kind. An essay. And the topic to write on was simple….he wrote on the board “Why are you doing this?” He always made it clear to us as seniors that if we CHOSE a life of entertainment, that the expectation should be a lot of possible heartache and frustration, sparse work, insane competition and almost always a fight to do what you love. Why the HELL would ANYONE choose that for themselves……needless to say, I got an “A” on my final. I forget what I personally said in that essay, but I remember HIS critique he wrote alongside my grade….he told me that my passion, drive and my love of music and art would take me far in life and that I would find success in my future endeavors and that he hoped to live to see me win a Tony award someday……that last part I had a good laugh at. No Tony as of yet and sadly my drama teacher passed away years ago at much too early an age but I think of that essay and the response often and it keeps me going at times.

So I find myself often these days with that question…..WHY am I doing this? I think I answered that question a bit in a previous blog…but more often than not it’s the little things. Times, even when I have NOT been on ships but been performing elsewhere, when you have auditioned for a million things and FINALLY get a gig, or when you have some insanely gratifying moment performing when even if no one applauds you could care less, it just felt amazing to have that moment of personal triumph, or when someone approaches you after performing and tells you that you touched them emotionally or made them think or feel over something they may not have before, or when you inspire someone to better themselves or take up a skill they may never have before watching you, or when your significant other or your parents tell you how proud they are of your accomplishments. When you have a horrible day and you realize I get PAID for this and everything seems brighter or when you’re teaching (especially with kids) the arts and people tell you you made a difference in their lives, and yes, when you hear that applause and you KNOW you deserved it and you have worked so INSANELY hard to deserve it because let’s face it….my lifestyle and chosen profession IS HARD!!! There are days when I want to give up…there are moments when I cry and when I miss Chris so much every part of me hurts because we can’t be in the same place because of this career, or when I hate my talent and think I am terrible at everything I do and wonder HOW on earth I got ANY of my jobs…..and then I go back and remember WHY I do this. It’s simply because I love it. It makes me tick, keeps me going, motivates me to live my life to it’s fullest and when you live day to day like I do, gig to gig, you really understand the concept of gratitude more so I think than other people do. I AM grateful for what I do and I LOVE what I do and I am so lucky I get to share it with someone who loves it and understands it and understands ME as well for all of it. Whew……I wonder if THIS essay would get a passing grade……I’ll never know. But I do know I have to get rid of this migraine or the next 2 hours of playing may not see as much gratitude as I just gushed about!